You are the only road I know

I accidentally flashed a nun today.
And that was the highlight of my Black Friday.

And of course Henry the horse dances the waltz!

I think my week of being a recluse has left me worse off in my social ineptitude. I feel like everytime I try to have a conversation I just freeze.

I made no grand use of my time today, as expected.

But on this stage I've learned to fly, learned to sing and learned to cry

Currently, I am on a random (or possibly paint thinner induced) high. I spent the majority of my day sedentary watching court shows and other equally trashy daytime television. My step toward being a better person for today was that I learned that I really need to make a better use of my time. Two days are already gone out of this break and I've successfully accomplished nothing. Tomorrow I'll be home alone which may lead to less inhibitions toward drawing something decent or even just cleaning around the house.

I spent nearly 45 minutes searching all over my house in a failed attempt to find some Polaroids I had taken last summer. I checked all the stupid places I hide things from myself and no luck. I can't even remember what they were of, all of them. I know some were stupid, close-up shots of flowers and I know I had one of Strawberry Fields, but I can't remember anything else. Probably some horrible shots of myself wearing a number of ridiculous twee sweaters. I guess it doesn't matter, really. I want film is my point.

I just found myself clicking around on the blogs of other people out of boredom. I never knew that being knock kneed, having a milky white complexion and advanced levels of social awkwardness made you cool... Crazy if all this time I was amazingly hip, why did I always get shit in high school for being a freak? Who knows, who knows.

I think I'm going to take advantage of the energy I'm still experiencing and get to cleaning this shithole I've barely ventured out of for about 72 hours.

afraid my heart, it beats too slow or that I died and just didn't know

It's only Monday and I'm already ready for break to be over. I could care less about Thanksgiving and everyone I know is off somewhere else with their families. So I'm stuck at home in my pajamas crying over episodes of the Tyra Banks show while eating cookie dough. Now I'm listening to Jason Mraz ( I know right? ) figuring it isn't neccessary for me to shower when my human contact level for the day is very minimal. I'll spend my whole day waiting for a phone call that won't come until the late evening and will probably last all of five minutes. There is so much that I need to accomplish over break and I know that most of it won't happen. I even made myself a to do list last night that I probably won't even look at until next Sunday night thinking "oh shit ". Shrug, oh well.

put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play

I can't get enough sappy, acoustic or piano music lately. It probably just goes with the fact that almost anything and everything seems to be overtly stimulating and overwhelming. In addition to that I've gotten into Bright Eyes a lot lately which is weird because I used to despise Conor Oberst. On a related note, I've almost got all of my old music onto my new laptop which makes me very happy. After like three weeks I realized how easy it was for me to access the files on my network.

Today was a very lazy day, but a decent day indeed. I can't get enough snuggling and napping and not being outside.

It's really a lot less stressful not being on the campus and not seeing people that I have no desire to see, but at the same time it's like what I was writing about in my actual journal. We aren't the ones who chose sides, we are't the ones who decided not to be friends, we were the ones who were pushed aside. So why should we have to be the ones that change our daily routines and play the avoidant card. We shouldn't have to, they are the ones who don't want to see us, they should be the ones who have to find a new place to be. We shouldn't have to be the ones who are inconvenienced. But it can't be like that. And I know it. Somethings just never go down the way that they should.

Why don't I begin again with turpentine and patches?

I took that SimilarMinds personality test for the first time in a while. Some things have improved like Vanity and Narcissism, other things haven't changed...

These were some of the ones I scored highest in:
I italicized the strongest points

Histrionic:
strong need for applause, gets angry and frustrated if they don't get what they want, likes to be popular, believes winning is no fun unless people know you won, desires more attention, competes for the spotlight, grew up feeling they had to stand out to be happy, gets attention through negative behavior, self absorbed, frequently feels envious, likes to manipulate others, superficial, tends to become involved with people quickly, feels best when admired, wants things done their way, used to getting their way, uses their looks to get what they want, quick tempered, impulsive, vain, loves to win awards, performer, entertainer, pleasure seeking, swayed by emotions, prefers instant gratification, self promoting, believes in success through appearances, wealth seeking

Paranoia:
suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, more doubt than belief, preoccuppied with death and suffering, fears being harmed or controlled, bitter, looks for hidden meaning in things, personality is centered around low self esteem issues, feels misunderstood, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, defensive, often experiences disgust, love-hate relationships with most things, likes to test people's loyalty, thinks life is overrated, focuses on suffering, feels like an outsider, existentially depressed, does not trust what people say, prone to shame, suffers from depression, knows the dark side of life very well, attracted to things associated with sadness, would rather remain alone than risk rejection, hard to get to know, makes enemies, loner

Avoidant:
loner, limits social interaction because it's draining, does not express emotions easily, shy, does not like most people, does not think most people like them, nothing really pleases them, prefers to dress down (hide attractiveness), considered weird by others, values personal privacy above personal relationships, feels dejected and better off alone, neglects self, has low self esteem issues, can't find meaning in life, seeks wholeness through isolation, hard to get to know, emotionally numb, even in a relationship they desire a sense of seperateness, thinks life is overrated, would rather be alone then risk rejection, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, feels like an outsider, afraid to show it when they like some one, aversion to physical contact, somewhat asexual, prone to shame, existentially depressed, prone to focus on suffering, bitter, does not like happy people, poor self image, anhedonic

As well as Dependency, Peter Pan Syndrome, and Need to Dominate.


Aside from this today proved to be a day of high highs and low lows; everything ended on a fairly positive note, however. Days like today are nice though, because I love the idea of laying around talking honestly, comfortably and truthfully. I love when you're talking to someone so honestly and real that it's almost painful. I love being on the receiving end as well. I love trusting and being trusted. I suppose that's silly, though because who doesn't enjoy that?

Needs and love and happiness and failure, people and perception the future and the things that happen, good friends and bad people, understanding and ignorance. There's a part of me that wishes everyday could be like this.

So please forgive what I have done no, you can't stay mad at the setting sun

Cold days like today are nice. When it's shockingly cold, but at the exact same time entirely tolerable and almost nice. At least until the snow broke through.

All the thinking that I did last night definitely had a direct effect on my mood and demeanor this morning. In Psychology we took a test which we didn't know until after completing it that it was testing our internal/external locust of control. It was so cool to see how the realizations I made last night were actually being displayed by me. I scored out of the class the 'lowest' or that I believed in fate, chance, etc. We did a lot of talking about personality tests today which led Dr. Borden to make the statement "mittens make me salivate" Just when I start to think that I dislike that man, we have a class like today. I wish that class were like that all semester. Or maybe it was and today was just the first day I let myself take in everything.

Riding the bus by myself wasn't as bad as I had worked myself up into think that it would be even if that bus driver lady is so mean and super-scary.

I guess my point is that I pretty enjoyable day today especially considering all the things that could have gone wrong.

I know there aren't too many people who allow themselves to say what they feel

Finally, I overcame that migraine that had been nagging at me for a couple of days. I finally got rid of it last night/early this morning when I came into one of those bursts of creative energy I was talking about the other day. I spent fourty-five minutes trying to draw myself in a dimly lit room, with no glasses and it proved to be not a waste of time, but a learning experience- I can't draw if I can't see...miraculous thoughts I have...

Either way, I then went on to write and I spent a good two or three hours just writing, just letting whatever ran into my head channel down my arm, my hand, my pen, my paper. I can never express how great it feels to be able to for once, be completely honest with myself and not have to be afraid of my own thoughts.

Currently, I'm easily distracted sitting around in my bedroom. I have my lamps set up trying to speed up the drying time of my oil painting I've been working on for the past week. We had to create some kind of narrative piece and I used Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel No. 2 as my story. The painting is shit. So much is off on it and it screams incomplete. It's about 10 hours of work and no one would know it to look at it. I needed just one more day to get my details in after the layer that's on now dries. One more day and the face wouldn't look like something shat across my canvas. Oh well, boo for lack of time management skills.

It's funny how I've found myself repeating the same things so much. The same motions, emotions and behaviors. I think of a silly little song that makes me happy and realize how many of those there have been in the past month or so and all the other silly little things that make me smile. I realize that I like being happy at the risk of being annoyingly repetitive. I am the person that I would have been disgusted by (in more that one way) such a short time ago and I don't see that changing. I'm not complaining either.

Just like I said before, the only thing I have to complain about lately is the fact that I suck super bad at school. Boo at college. I'm glad in a way that Mandy fucked me over on my application to Purchase, because I would hate to be sucking at school, away from home, with no one I love around me. It's scary how I've been thinking of the whole 'everything happens for a reason' idea lately. Like I think of all the shitty things that may have happened or the shitty people that fucked me over, but then I realize that if one little thing would have been even slightly different things wouldn't be like they are now. It's scary, but it feels like the truth, that everything that has piled up, just needed to get sorted through to get to the thing I really wanted, I really needed in the end. So I guess I should take the time to write thank you's to all those people that fucked me over.

And now Miley Cyrus comes up on shuffle... Ah life...

Don't you get worried, please don't at all, don't you take pity it's my own fault

This morning was one of those early mornings I was talking about the other day. When I'm completely honest and whatnot. The only difference was that this was a time where I was bluntly honest, but with someone else. I think I might have crossed a figurative line. It just isn't a situation that I am comfortable with and never could be. I just don't know why, aside from the whole "you shouldn't date a friend's ex" thing. It's just like when people ask me why it was so bad I guess I usually just can't think of a good enough reason to justify the things I say. I don't know what made the whole thing so depressing. Was it the fact that he didn't know how to show affection, or that he didn't know who he even was, or the fact that we didn't have common ground, the fact that he shot down all my interests, how bad he made me feel about my appearance, or that we couldn't even carry a conversation, it was like he wouldn't allow me to care for him. I mean sure there was a lot of things that happened that were my fault and I only stayed with him for stupid reasons. But I suppose good came out of it in a few ways. I was sad, sure, but only a few days later I felt so great, such a heavy load was lifted off of my chest. And now the relationship I'm in now is part way into it's second month, but it feels like so much longer, and definitely in a good way. I feel like I've known Dennis for so long. Things are just so comfortable and happy and amazing.

But I guess I'm still dwelling on the past in the fact that I really would be so hurt if Caitlin pursued anything with Nate. I guess I just never got the satisfaction of how I imagined the breakup to go. Like I imagined my female friends at least, would bond with me and engage in the typical ex-boyfriend bashing. But I never got to have that. The people who I considered my best friends were either out of touch or dating the best friend of my ex. But now that their relationship has ran it's course too, I'm still not getting that satisfaction that I wanted. And that is me just being childish and I know that, oh do I know that. But I can't help it. I guess it was just part of the closure that I didn't get that I still want.

Oh well, there really is nothing that I can do. I can't tell her who she can and cannot see. It's just not something I can control. But I really will have to 'sever the tie' so to speak if anything happens there. And I realize that is drastic, but I can't deal with the constant fear of someone I consider to be a best-friend to be dating my ex, like that just cannot end well. And it all falls back on my being selfish and that I'd be paranoid about what they'd be thinking about me especially considering the group of people they've been hanging around with and the fact that my decisions have led me to be exiled from them.

Like I said, I guess there isn't anything I can really do. I like where my own life is headed right now and I just shouldn't worry about the decisions of most people. For now I'll just try to get over this splitting migraine and just try to focus on those people who I know really do care about me.

If the sun can radiate then so can I

Throbbing headache = the inability to function like an actual human being for the last 30 some hours. Stupid things have flustered and frustrated me more than usual all day. I need to not let silly things get me down, but it's hard. Sometimes I just put too much effort into things that do not matter and let myself get stressed out over little things. I need to practice what I've been preaching for the past month or so.

And I was frightened by my fearlessness to be engulfed by everything.

Life seems like it's floating by so fast lately. And not really in a negative way, either. I remember not to long ago when things were going by before I knew what was going on. What a wholly unpleasant time period. While I am definitely lagging in school it feels so great now to be with someone so...great.

We'll get nowhere if we've forgotten where we've been

Today proved to be another comfortable day, aside from the still surprisingly chilly weather. Not bumming around the campus does prove to be quite refreshing. I like spending time with people I like doing mindless tasks and running about. I like enriching myself in non-enriching things if that makes sense. Basically I like keeping busy with silly little things. I guess that's basically what I was rabble-rabble-rabbling about last night.

I have all sorts of assignments due for all sorts of classes (English, Drawing, Psychology) and a lack of ambition that seems to get stronger as the days go on. People keep talking about my second year of college and it stings everytime they do. I've made the decision to most likely not continue on with the whole college thing after next semester. I guess that's a direct result of the lack of ambition.

Aside from the complete lack of drive I can't find much to complain about, which is quite remarkable for me. High five for being a happy camper.

Cross-posted.

Like the title suggests, this is cross posted on a shared blog.


Today started out as one of "those days" that average, everyday people bitch and moan about. Slightly stressful, but in reality quite mundane. Which honestly, was only due to the fact that I am so easily stressted/angered/frustrated/etc by little meaningless things. This morning was one of running late, noticing the snow and having no warm clothes readily available, being nagged, getting pissed beyond belief at the Advising and Counseling Center for putting a hold on my account which prevented me from registering for classes. The hold on my account was what truly set me off and caused me to have an unpleasant morning/early afternoon. Thanks to my lovely sister and her assertiveness that issue has been taken care of.

Thankfully, the body of my day was spent running here and there with two great people who seem to get along quite well, which is so perfect. Especially considering the uncanny way that my sister can find herself hating the people I surround myself with. We ran around looking for shoes, visiting multiple wal*marts (getting 'free samples'), being crowded in a backseat, and other silly happenings. All-in-all it was a simple day, but so enjoyable.

Currently, I'm finding myself not tired enough for the hour that it is and feeling simply very self-aware. Which cannot ever be a good thing for me. It's one of those nights that a few years ago staring out my window watching the night brighten into day. I was always comfortable with my own thoughts at these hours. Watching the pink sky reflect back on the pond, like I would on myself, but in a remarkably comfortable way. I used to love the shockingly cold air, even piercing at times. I wonder sometimes if I really am happy right now or if I am just in a period of repression. Just blocking out the things that bother me and not letting myself think those thoughts that made me hate myself so much. But then in the same breath I know that I am happy. If this isn't happiness then I truly don't know what happiness is and I like to think that I don't suck at life that much.

I also remember a time when this hour led to some of the most beautiful thoughts and creative bursts. I haven't had one of those in so long. Maybe that's because going to college has exposed me to some really great artists which has brought me into a slight creative rut, comparing myself to others. I miss having the art teacher who was part counselor, telling me constantly to keep my chin up and to only judge myself against myself, who is the toughest critic anyway. I miss my artistic ignorance from highschool. I miss thinking I was in the top of some of my classes and showing off my works without a second thought. Not that it didn't take me long to get to that point, but I do miss it. I guess I'm just missing a confidence thing, which wasn't even brought on by myself, it was the fact that I fed off the comments of others to keep me going (even with things outside the art realm).

I don't have people constantly telling me that I am doing the correct thing, but I have something better. I have someone who truly cares for me. Moreso than I probably realizes. And beyond that I care for him more than he can probably imagine. It feels so great to have someone I can tell things to and feel comfortable just spending time with. I can't stop listening to silly love songs and I'm not complaining.

I suppose that this hour has proven to be one of reflection and I pretty positive one I suppose. I love the sound sleep that comes after a good conversation, a creative splurge or getting a slight release from allowing my mind to wander without worry and realizing that I don't have to be afraid of my own thoughts anymore. I really wish I could get back into the habit of writing daily.