and if my daddy thinks I'm fine...

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm listening to so much Amy Winehouse or what has me in this reflective mood, but...oh well here goes.

Well, you said I don't open up to people, so here goes. I don't open up to anyone and that's one of my greatest downfalls. With that said, it doesn't mean that I'm afraid of change or that I don't want to. I've been through a lot in my life, but nothing riveting enough to write a book or go on Oprah. You told me that everyone has self-esteem, it just gets diminished by people and life. Well, I can't recall, even as a child being confident in myself. All I can remember is being constantly teased for the haircut my mom gave me or the giant glasses that devoured my face at age eight. I remember being aware of my body from such a young age. I remember being 10 and comparing myself to all the other girls and remembering how fat and ugly and incomparable I felt in their presence. I'm sure that these behaviors spawned from my mother and sister constantly prodding at themselves and talking about diet pills and unpleasant features.

Moving forward, I vaguely remember middle school because I've successfully blocked that part of my life almost completely out. I just remember only being friends with obese to make myself feel prettier, skinnier, happier. I remember dropping out of honors classes because only the rich, preppy kids were in them and I knew I didn't fit in. I remember my 7th grade English teacher and how she definitely wasn't afraid to let me know this and how I never knew what hate was until I met her.

Once I got to highschool, though I changed. I was bitter and had been scorned one too many times. My second week into Freshman year I tried Somas for the first time. A few months later came a suspension for being caught with them. At this point I was shoplifting anything and everything I wanted, regardless as to whether I had the cash or not. I even had a friend at the gas station up the street from the school who would 'accidentally' leave cigarettes where I could get them. Despite my behavior, my parents never paid enough attention to notice until the suspension and then getting caught shoplifting. They were stupid, though. They always tried to stop me from going places because they thought I'd get drunk and sleep around. Little did they know I drank more under their roof than any other. And boys? Fuck, I was too embarrassed to look in a mirror, let alone let another human see me without clothes.

Life went on and my Sophomore year progressed along with my "bad relationship with food" as it was referred to by all who knew. Once the compliments came, they fueled me. I had never heard them before and I just knew that more people would like me if I were even skinnier! This lead to three years of life revolving around binging, purging, fasts, calories, measuring, scales and the like. When friends got concerned, I ditched them. My parents only comments were my mother telling me I was stupid and we couldn't afford to waste food in this house. Regardless, I dated some idiots, especially ones who didn't help with comments like "are you really going to eat that!?".

And here I stand (or sit...) today. I've seen a few things and lived a little bit, but not as much as most people. I don't really know that much about myself, but I do know a few things. I'm not bitter anymore because I realized life isn't fulfilling when you are. I believe in optimism because I spent too long being pessimistic. I know that I love hard and would move mountains for those I care about and I know that that can get me into trouble. But not as much as my bad timing and the fact that I tell it like it is. I know that I spent far too long caring what others thought about me and that spending my life trying to make other people happy will ultimately lead to my own demise. I know that my life is small and that I will not ever change the world and I am okay with that. What I'm not okay with is knowing that there is so much beauty out there in the world that I will never get to experience it. I know that I appreciate everyday and that everything happens for a reason.

And that's what I know, and that's what I should have told you that night. I'm sorry I don't know what to say at every moment and that I can't promise that I will.

Hold in your breath 'til you come back up in full

Have you ever found yourself just living your life and realized that it's more than what you could have dreamed it would be? Have you ever done, seen, and experienced things that you couldn't ( no matter how simple ) even fathom? If so, then you know what I'm talking about. Otherwise I really hope you get to. Life is grand when you just let go and let it happen. I love when things are like this. When something as simple as realizing how small you are next to a giant wind turbine is the most important thing in the world at that moment. Everything else is pushed aside, back and away for those moments when everything is about you and the person next to you. I love when the stale atmosphere of a hotel room is made to feel like home due to the chemistry of the people in it, and how I never wanted it to end.

Sometimes it scares me, the things I've seen and done and how precious they are to me. I used to carry my camera everywhere I went because I was afraid of someday, suddenly forgetting all I've seen and done and would at least have the photographs to remember. Sometimes I wish I was still so dependent on that lens, because i want to share the beauty I've seen with everyone. At the same time, though, I really just like to hold on to what I've seen, and keep it for myself and the people who've experienced these things right along with me. But I guess that's selfish.