Don't you get worried, please don't at all, don't you take pity it's my own fault

This morning was one of those early mornings I was talking about the other day. When I'm completely honest and whatnot. The only difference was that this was a time where I was bluntly honest, but with someone else. I think I might have crossed a figurative line. It just isn't a situation that I am comfortable with and never could be. I just don't know why, aside from the whole "you shouldn't date a friend's ex" thing. It's just like when people ask me why it was so bad I guess I usually just can't think of a good enough reason to justify the things I say. I don't know what made the whole thing so depressing. Was it the fact that he didn't know how to show affection, or that he didn't know who he even was, or the fact that we didn't have common ground, the fact that he shot down all my interests, how bad he made me feel about my appearance, or that we couldn't even carry a conversation, it was like he wouldn't allow me to care for him. I mean sure there was a lot of things that happened that were my fault and I only stayed with him for stupid reasons. But I suppose good came out of it in a few ways. I was sad, sure, but only a few days later I felt so great, such a heavy load was lifted off of my chest. And now the relationship I'm in now is part way into it's second month, but it feels like so much longer, and definitely in a good way. I feel like I've known Dennis for so long. Things are just so comfortable and happy and amazing.

But I guess I'm still dwelling on the past in the fact that I really would be so hurt if Caitlin pursued anything with Nate. I guess I just never got the satisfaction of how I imagined the breakup to go. Like I imagined my female friends at least, would bond with me and engage in the typical ex-boyfriend bashing. But I never got to have that. The people who I considered my best friends were either out of touch or dating the best friend of my ex. But now that their relationship has ran it's course too, I'm still not getting that satisfaction that I wanted. And that is me just being childish and I know that, oh do I know that. But I can't help it. I guess it was just part of the closure that I didn't get that I still want.

Oh well, there really is nothing that I can do. I can't tell her who she can and cannot see. It's just not something I can control. But I really will have to 'sever the tie' so to speak if anything happens there. And I realize that is drastic, but I can't deal with the constant fear of someone I consider to be a best-friend to be dating my ex, like that just cannot end well. And it all falls back on my being selfish and that I'd be paranoid about what they'd be thinking about me especially considering the group of people they've been hanging around with and the fact that my decisions have led me to be exiled from them.

Like I said, I guess there isn't anything I can really do. I like where my own life is headed right now and I just shouldn't worry about the decisions of most people. For now I'll just try to get over this splitting migraine and just try to focus on those people who I know really do care about me.