I thought romance was pretty...

Where I am is a mystery to myself and those around me. Not physically but mentally, although I wish I were anywhere but here. Gone, lost but found at the same time. Found in love and happiness. I'm just so up or so down right now. And when I'm neutral I'm not because i'm anxious and confused. I'm worrying about everything.
It's like there's so much going on around me and I can't focus on one thing. I'm restless and barely awake.

I feel like life is escaping me. And I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one. I can never say or do the right thing.

Cause the same night I dream that I lose you I'll fall in love

So, it turns out I'm not on academic probation and I don't have a limit on my course load this semester. I just want to get through this semester. Maybe I'll go back to college in a few years. I just want to focus on getting a job by...some point. I should set a goal date for that one. But once I do that I can save up to get some crap car, to get to a possibly better job? then I can save up to get my own apartment eventually.

Part of me is excited about school. The only class I'm worried about is black & white photography because I think that will be the hardest one for me. Hopefully the math class I'm taking won't be too bad. I'm not worried about Drawing II. I'm not worried about American History. I'm a little concerned with Sociology, but I took it in high school. So who knows.

Give me a reason to make me smile, 'cause I think I forgot how

Last night I dreamed that I found everything I ever lost. I had a dream I wasn't sleeping alone. I had a dream I packed up everything I owned. Three separate dreams. I wish they were reality. Or at least that I could keep dreaming until the 12th.

I received somewhat of a verbal bitch-slap this morning. One that if I had committed I would be scolded for. Oh, well. I'm hard to live with I guess. Actually, no. That's for certain. One of the few things I can be certain about these days. My apathetic approach to everything kind of hit me last night and I had a bit of breakdown. However, I buried my feelings away in mad libs (hahahah). Then the aforementioned bitch-slap and I kind of lost it again. I just don't see why I should be treated like that, all I'm doing is missing you? Whatever I guess. I don't really know what to do when I'm left out of contact and it's hard to keep myself entertained.

We can all be free, maybe not with words.

Does pudding evaporate? Seriously. I had this cup of pudding sitting on my new Hello Kitty toaster (still in the box). One day last week while I was really sick, I accidentally knocked it over and it fell down the box. Admittedly, it was pretty disgusting; it looked like someone had "an accident" on the box. Anyway, I woke up this morning and most of the pudding isn't there anymore? I know that no one came in and cleaned it. I know that neither of the cats licked it up because they aren't allowed in the bedroom. I know I didn't clean it. So that only leads to one thing: the pudding evaporated...or dissolved or something. Needless to say I'm a bit concerned.

'Cause it's been ten days without you in my reach, and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

try to keep warm. try to keep awake. try to keep happy. try to keep occupied.


tomorrow' s kind of an important day. well, at least it is to me. he might not have a clue, but that doesn't even make me sad. maybe if i didn't miss him so much it would, i don't know. i guess three months isn't that long anyway. only what? 90-ish days? i could spend so much time with him that 90 days doesn't seem like anything. so much has happened since october. i can't even remember the person that i used to be.

I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or personality

I'm tired of break. I need something to occupy my time. I finished The Catcher in the Rye. I can't download any new music until 2:am. I have one person who's been talking to me all day.

Nothing thrills me anymore.

I'm not living, I'm just killing time

I don't really have anything interesting to complain about tonight. But I suppose it isn't fair of me to only come here when I need to cry about this or that. I started reading The Catcher in the Rye a little this evening and I'm on page 62 right now. I'm liking it I'm just trying to read it slow to try to digest it rather than just breezing through it. Despite what Caitlin says "dont read too much into it, its just some depressed 14 year old..." I don't know, though. Reading is a pretty healthy way for me to pass my time. It's nice to get lost in the life of someone else for a change.

I've been on this Tegan & Sara kick for a week. I don't know where it came from.

Other than that I've been considering the past and my former friends even more. I get aggravated when I see my former best friend of three years wearing my scarf. How can you even look at something of mine when I know the hateful things you say about me? I don't know. I really don't understand people. I guess that's something that bothers me, the fact that I can't control everyone.

I don't know though. I'm probably going to read more of this book while I'm still into it. I hope this is one I can finish.

Take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere

I don't know what to think about a lot of things anymore. But on the other hand, with the other half of my life everything seems perfectly in order. Perfectly in place; perfectly perfect. The other side though, the side I've been considering greatly since we hung out Wednesday afternoon. I don't understand when my friends became the girls they were that day. The easy going happy go lucky girl with a bit of a wild streak is suddenly dull and grey, easily angered not amused. The one I was closest to seems to be pushing at me to let go of a friendship that's hanging on by threads as we speak. The nerdy little one I could always count on is so grown-up. I don't understand how I've missed so much in three months? I know I have changed it's true but I know the way I have changed is definitely for the better.

Who are my friends anymore? I have my boyfriend and I have one other person. Those are the only people who I really know. Those are the only people who I can talk to seriously anymore. I just don't know what to do or how to act. It's such an unsettling feeling knowing that I don't know hardly anyone anymore.