Pray for the people inside your head, for they won't be there when you're dead.

Reading always makes me feel like writing. Reading about the lives of more interesting people makes me want to explore what could be potentially interesting about my life. Sometimes that's the case, but sometimes I have a connection with the words on a page, like those words could have come directly from me or directly from someone I know. That's the one thing I love the most about reading; when it feels like home between the covers. When something sounds so familiar that you have to remember that these words are too eloquently used to be yours. I love that, I really do. I wish all aspects of life could be as simple as a good book.

I started Girl, Interrupted today. I'm on page 92 and so far I'm liking the movie better as a whole. However, the book has these few, perfect moments where the words layed out in front of me sound more like my own than Susanna Kaysen's.

Other than that today was a decent day. I got called back for a job and have an interview monday, training tuesday and hopefully a job by the weekend. I'm in a weird place right now, between anxious and tired and I think I'll let the tired side take over. I don't want to spend my night to go to bed early worrying about people and silly things. I want the future now. No more waiting. I don't want to be caught up in tiny things, I want to have my love, a car, a job, and an apartment all now.

I wish I would have "borrowed" another book for Monday.

A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city the veins of which have broken me down

My goal is to remain positive. Despite the fact that I am watching myself fuck up. No place will call me back for a job and I'm barely hanging on in school. I'm willing to push away all people in my life aside from the one who means the most. Aside from this I am trying to be a positive person. Or maybe I'm not. I don't know, if I'm not then I want to be. I just want to fast-forward. Have a job, get a cozy little place and live. I realize it's not going to be perfect, it's going to be stressful, but I need this challenge to prove things to myself like that I can survive on my own. I just want a job! Even Wal*Mart doesn't call me back. My standards are quickly dropping towards fast food. At this point I hardly care. A paycheck is a paycheck.

I just want to be away from this city. I hate it here. I hate the people. I hate the buildings. I hate everything. I get angry everytime I think about it. I hate how familiar I am with everyone in this shithole. I can't go anywhere without seeing some that I went to high school with, someone who my sister got high with, one of my old friend's exes, one of my parent's co-workers, someone who can't believe how Allie's grandaughter has grown up, someone who did me wrong, someone who i have done wrong, someone who says "you're Sara, right?", someone who forgot about me but I remember calling me a cow in middle school. All of these people and so many more.

I just want to get away. I don't even want to go that far. It just seems that a town an hour away has so much more opportunity for me. I don't want to abandon this place forever. I want to come back someday and show my children all the hidden pleasantries that are here. But right now the only thing I have gained from this town is a bad attitude and a bitter taste in my mouth.

I've seen your face in every goddamn state

Today has been one of , if not the most up and down days of my life. What crazy circumstances to meet someone in, seriously. All in all though I think today was a good day. Not like a happy good day, but a good day in that things were talked about and addressed that needed to be brought up. My brain is recalling all of the days happenings and they're swirling around in there faster than my fingers can type them. I am so physically exhausted and yet there's so much I want to say. I'm so scared of how sure I am about some things, but at the same time I have to much to take in and contemplate.


If I have one thing I need to say though, it's thank you. Thank you for being there, you're the most important person in my whole life and I love you and need you like I will never love or need another person.

I hope I never figure out who broke your heart

I can't wait until we can get away. Get away and be free of all the drama that surrounds this town. Be free of the people who define themselves by what you once were.

what happened to this girl?

"i miss the friendship we used to have. i miss the days when you would come over late at night, and we would flush our cares away with trips to the only store in town. i miss all of the things we used to do together, all of the shit that shouldn't really matter now, but as far as i am concerned, it still does. i am sorry i pushed you away. i did it before you could get a chance to do it to me - well, anymore than you already had. i'm so sorry."

Never once heard you say "I need you" I don't need you.

I knew it would come. I knew that when I said I only had one person in the entire world that I could ever trust I was right. I wish the world weren't like this, I wish people could just be honest and open with the people they label 'friend'. I just feel like everything I do is wrong. I don't speak my mind and I hold everything in until I explode and that's bad, but if I say how someone or something makes me feel it's like I've done something wrong there as well. I want to forget everyone I don't need. Pack up, and pretend I never met them. Although I did make some needed amends tonight I feel the final threads of a past friendship tearing away. And I'm so 50-50 about it. Like, maybe I should go and try to stitch up things where I can, but at the same it's like friendships are burden to me right now. Other people have so much baggage that leads to so much unneeded outside stress. I just don't know what to do. I only truly know one person. Maybe that's all I need. Maybe that's what I want. But why?

I just don't know.
I think I'm going to start a flicker again, I miss taking pictures.

I cannot keep up, treading on people's toes

If I've learned anything in the past few days it's this: I don't care about people and I need not let those who are not vital to my existence get in the way of my happiness. I love my boyfriend and I need the other few people who are essential to me. I'm just going to forget every face that ever made me unhappy. I never met these people. I just want to move on and I don't know another way to make me able to grow as a person. And that's one of the only things I want right now; person growth.

well if you think that im lying why would i give up trying ?

Everything bothers me. I let every tiny little thing get under my skin and I don't know how to change that. It doesn't help that I can't stop eating.

I don't like this idea of a letter. I hope it's one of those things he talks about and just forgets about. I hope, I hope, I hope. My whole day was basically shit though. I dyed my hair Little Mermaid red and only two people noticed. My drawing teacher still refuses to look me in the eye or offer any suggestions when it comes to the portraiture. I feel like every pretty girl around me is competition. I'm fat and disgusting with bad skin. But when I voice my feelings of inadequacy I get laughed at and called over-dramatic. But I take that stuff so seriously. I can't help it. Struggling through an eating disorder for over three years will make your self image low. Of all people I expect him to get that. My old friends are refusing to be flexible to make plans. I feel like no one cares. Is it better or worse with no friends? I can't tell.

Apparently, I just handle every situation wrong. I let a group of people who don't matter bring me down and I can't fix that. I try to work on it and my only friend left makes me feel like I am immature and ridiculous. She's completely unfair and I can't trust her for a second. I thought I used to but I think I just wanted to convince myself that I had a girl I could lean on. But I don't. I never have. I let my sister's choice of my neighbour over me bother me to no end. It's unfair because I am her sister. I'm real and I'm there. But I guess I don't have a car so I'm not good enough. I don't get high so I'm not cool enough. I don't drink with people 7 years younger than me so I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. I couldn't even draw decently today. 2 hours and 40 minutes on one piece and it looks like straight shit. I mean what do I have when the one thing I am capable of, the one thing that isn't a person that makes me feel like I am important. The one thing that sometime convinces me I have talent falls through? I see everything around me crumbling and I'm too apathetic to do anything about it. And honestly that's really scary.

I think the only conclusion I have right now is that I have no fucking idea what's going on in the world around me.

I just want someone to agree with me on something. Not every conversation has to be a debate. Not everything that I say is so outlandish and abnormal that I am completely unrelatable.

It's times like these that make me think that maybe some kind of outside counselling would be beneficiary. But then I consider the lives of those around me and realize that I'm stupid and any problem that I have is ridiculous. But I can't help it. I know it might be ridiculous but sometimes I just feel like people expect so much of me. Even total strangers. I will never live up to anyone's expectations. Not even my own.

What a typically shit thing to do

I don't get it. I just do not fucking get it. I DID NOTHING. I did motherfucking nothing to these people. Yet they seem to base their entire existence on making me feel uncomfortable. I just cannot wrap my mind why they cannot let things go. I came into a situation that I knew very little about initially. A relationship that wasn't quite so. And I get blamed for his being drawn to something new. I get blamed for her mental breakdown. I get blamed and I didn't even do anything. He gets blamed for branching out. His benefits to her are overlooked and only the bad is focused on. And this was October. We've moved on so why can't you? I don't get it. Are you trying to make us as miserable and lonely as the lot of you?


I just don't understand. The amount of shit that has been talked about every member of that group by every member of that group.

The girl who can't think for herself. The woman who acts like a girl and likes to pretend she knows everything about everything. The boy who is a child trying to impress a group of college students.

Why does the world have to be like this? It makes me feel like I am regressing. I got to where I didn't care about these people. But suddenly they have to bring me into their lives. Only when they know I' m alone. Only to try and fuck with me. And why me? I don't understand what either of us did to be treated like we are less than a person.

If the cold doesn't kill her money will

ZOMGGUYZ
imhipsternow!






I'm almost cool...



Anyway, aside from encounters with the hipster kind today was a more cheerful day. More cheerful meaning I didn't have to see any people who stress me out, I only had two classes, I got to chat with an old friend for a while which was nice and appreciatively not awkward.
I dropped sociology so now I'm a part-time student and...full-time fuck up...yay for me. I don't know though, I just have no ambition. I finally went to Drawing II and got to draw real models which was nice. Although, Dave wouldn't look me in the eye and it really hurt my feelings. A stern talking to would have been more appreciated, but what can I do?
Nothing. Past is past.
Even earlier today is gone. That last minute is gone. The time it took me to type this. The past seconds. Everyone slipping away and what am I doing with them? Wasting time. I will never get this moment of time back and how am I spending it? On my bed typing to a blog I write to no one taking hipster pictures of myself. Maybe I'm silly or maybe silly is a nice way to say fucking up the best years of my life.
It's not all bad though. I could be in a worse situation. I could be lonely, in a crowd of people who are fake. I could be pretending I am something I'm not to fit into a group. To impress whom?
Sigh, I'm just ranting again.
My point is I believe that as soon as I get a job and out of Corning I will be spending my time more wisely and making the most out of what I have. Love. And that's something people kill for, so I should be thankful.
It's just that sometimes when I feel thankful I don't know who to feel thankful at? I don't believe in any higher power so I feel cheesey or fake feeling thankful.
I know that sounds ridiculous. I should be thankful to him for walking into my life. And I am don't get me wrong. I don't know. I never know. I can never be 100% certain with myself about anything.

I'm the first to admit that I'm still pretty young, and I never meant to hurt you.

Sometimes I think everyone around me forgets that I am only 18. And it's like no matter what when there is any kind of a fuck up it's always mine. I can't even tell the people closest to me when I'm sad because then it makes everything worse. I mean even I forget that I'm so young to have so much on me at once. It's like when you don't see someone for a really long time and then when you do they look so old. I feel like that with myself. I haven't seen who I am in a long time, I kind of just grew into a new person and didn't notice until today. I saw myself for the first time in a few months.

Everyone seems to think it's so wrong when I do something stupid or immature. It's like no one remembers that I am young and it isn't like I ever promised to be mature. I never said I was a good person. I never even promised to be decent. I know I'm not.

Oh, and by the way: I hope you all die, every single one of you. I hate you so much for the way you make college feel like middle school and for all the shit you put him through.

I'll pull your crooked teeth, you'll be perfect just like me.

I've had such pleasant dreams lately. So much so that I wish so hard that they were real when I wake up. It's not even like they're unattainable, I just keep dreaming of an apartment on a hill, constantly happy taking pictures and playing house.