Cross-posted.

Like the title suggests, this is cross posted on a shared blog.


Today started out as one of "those days" that average, everyday people bitch and moan about. Slightly stressful, but in reality quite mundane. Which honestly, was only due to the fact that I am so easily stressted/angered/frustrated/etc by little meaningless things. This morning was one of running late, noticing the snow and having no warm clothes readily available, being nagged, getting pissed beyond belief at the Advising and Counseling Center for putting a hold on my account which prevented me from registering for classes. The hold on my account was what truly set me off and caused me to have an unpleasant morning/early afternoon. Thanks to my lovely sister and her assertiveness that issue has been taken care of.

Thankfully, the body of my day was spent running here and there with two great people who seem to get along quite well, which is so perfect. Especially considering the uncanny way that my sister can find herself hating the people I surround myself with. We ran around looking for shoes, visiting multiple wal*marts (getting 'free samples'), being crowded in a backseat, and other silly happenings. All-in-all it was a simple day, but so enjoyable.

Currently, I'm finding myself not tired enough for the hour that it is and feeling simply very self-aware. Which cannot ever be a good thing for me. It's one of those nights that a few years ago staring out my window watching the night brighten into day. I was always comfortable with my own thoughts at these hours. Watching the pink sky reflect back on the pond, like I would on myself, but in a remarkably comfortable way. I used to love the shockingly cold air, even piercing at times. I wonder sometimes if I really am happy right now or if I am just in a period of repression. Just blocking out the things that bother me and not letting myself think those thoughts that made me hate myself so much. But then in the same breath I know that I am happy. If this isn't happiness then I truly don't know what happiness is and I like to think that I don't suck at life that much.

I also remember a time when this hour led to some of the most beautiful thoughts and creative bursts. I haven't had one of those in so long. Maybe that's because going to college has exposed me to some really great artists which has brought me into a slight creative rut, comparing myself to others. I miss having the art teacher who was part counselor, telling me constantly to keep my chin up and to only judge myself against myself, who is the toughest critic anyway. I miss my artistic ignorance from highschool. I miss thinking I was in the top of some of my classes and showing off my works without a second thought. Not that it didn't take me long to get to that point, but I do miss it. I guess I'm just missing a confidence thing, which wasn't even brought on by myself, it was the fact that I fed off the comments of others to keep me going (even with things outside the art realm).

I don't have people constantly telling me that I am doing the correct thing, but I have something better. I have someone who truly cares for me. Moreso than I probably realizes. And beyond that I care for him more than he can probably imagine. It feels so great to have someone I can tell things to and feel comfortable just spending time with. I can't stop listening to silly love songs and I'm not complaining.

I suppose that this hour has proven to be one of reflection and I pretty positive one I suppose. I love the sound sleep that comes after a good conversation, a creative splurge or getting a slight release from allowing my mind to wander without worry and realizing that I don't have to be afraid of my own thoughts anymore. I really wish I could get back into the habit of writing daily.