Thursday, March 12, 2009

I knew the words, but they didn't sink in.


It's weird that I was thinking about it today. I don't even know what sparked it in my mind- no wait I do. I was following a car like the one her parents drive up the hill this morning. It's interesting to think of the way that I impacted the lives so many people. Yes, I realize how completely conceited and ridiculous that sounds. I guess the entire situation just proves that I am not a decent human being. It's not just the way I always put myself down in an effort to be pleasantly surprised. It's just the truth. Some people are good and some people are not. I'm just one of the people who isn't. And don't get me wrong, I've tried to change, I'm always trying to improve upon myself. Anyway, I'm straying from my point. I'm not sorry for what I did. I mean I guess I really shouldn't have to be sorry. I had no idea how many layers there were in the whole situation. But that's not an excuse, really.

Five months ago I came into the picture, knocking it off the wall. I fucked up their happy little fucked up world even more. Not a day can go by without he or I thinking of her. Her possessions still litter the apartment they once shared. Her scent still lingers in that stale air. Her impression has been made on both of us in different ways.

Still, though. When I let my mind wander to these places I feel a sense of power. And that's how I know that I'm not a good person, I'm just not meant to be a kindhearted individual. Meanness and spite are just embedded so deeply into me that I don't think I can change it. It's just how I am and how I am meant to be, niceness from me is foreign, often forced, and sometimes faked. It's like how you can look at a little kid. When you look into the face of a child you're supposed to see softness and innocence. But sometimes you just don't. You can tell when a child is mean-spirited, it shows all over their face. Adults learn to hide their true selves. But children, children can't. They're honest no matter what, even if they don't mean to be.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Hide out from the ones you know will love you

Despite the contradiction that is life, today was a better day. I made a successful use of my time today and I'm pleased with that.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I used to be free spirited, now I'm just free of sleep

I don't understand this. I never thought I would be the one who was turned on by and who had to turn on my family. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be the one he liked. But now, over a job, over a motherfucking job everything is different. He's the only person who doesn't think it's a good thing. I'm so angry I can feel it in my body. I am this close to just giving up and walking away.

I know life isn't fair and we can't always have things our way, but this is unfair and I can't back down. I would never forgive myself. I need this.

I just. I can't even form another sentence right now. I have the urge to purge like no one would believe right now.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Too many people have crumbled apart in my hand

If everything that I do is wrong, or doesn't make anyone happy then is it selfish of me to just give up and do what makes me happy? Apparently so. And the fact that I do care that I can't make everyone happy, what does that say about me? Why do I care?

My father always told me to do whatever made me happy in life, but even as a child I knew that what he really meant was "you can do whatever you want if it makes me happy, if it's something I can brag about to people at work and the neighbours." I always knew that it wasn't about what I wanted.

Especially after watching the way he was with my sister. She took cosmetology classes in high school because that's what she wanted to do, that's what made her happy. But that wasn't good enough for him. No one she ever dated was good enough either. And no one ever will be.

There is absolutely no way to make that man completely proud...unless you're my brother. Everything he touches is gold. Everything he does is right.

I don't want to care. But I do and I don't know why. I know for a fact that he will never be proud of me in whatever I do. He says I'm lazy, but then when I have an interview for a job he tells me I'm going to school and there is no way for me to work. I'm selfish if I want to work, but I'm lazy if I don't work. Everything is like this. Everything is a contradiction.

I know that there is no way to make everyone around me happy. I know that. I'm to the point where I just want to do what makes me and the people or person I consider important to me happy.

And my mother, she has no friends of her own or anyone to spend time with. Well, I'm not the one who let my marriage get so distance. That isn't my fault. I'm not the one who let money tear my relationship apart. And it isn't fair that I am made to feel guilty when I want to go somewhere with my friends. I shouldn't be treated like a piece of shit because I stayed out until 7pm with my sister.

Nothing can please her either. She just wants me to stay home forever, and it just pushes me further away.

I just don't understand.