But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

It's crazy how time passes by this time of year. As soon as the leaves change it seems like they're making their decent. As much as I love the season I'm not necessarily complaining because I have so much to look forward to. I've become so busy it seems, but again I'm not complaining. I started a new job about a month ago and all is well thus far and in two weeks I'm moving!

My sister is still a fuck up, but her kid's father has custody of them now, thankfully. I decided to give up on her 100 percent. I don't want to see her, talk to her or anything. I'm sure it sounds childish, but the things that happened at my expense as a child tell me that I have every right to be this way. If all that isn't enough, her daughter, my five year old niece has said she saw "mommy put sugar in her nose". So needless to say these kids are in a much healthier environment living with their father, not out of a 2-door Saturn with their mother.

Speaking of this car, my boyfriend is increasingly more wonderful each day and I am beyond thrilled to wake up to that face everyday.

Despite all the good that's happening, sometimes I find myself in these odd moods. They never last long, usually only for an instant. Like right before I wrote this. It's like for one moment all the compassion I held back all these years just comes flooding out and I, only for the briefest moment lose control and cry. It's always for a reason, not just a random bout of crying. For example, I look at a photograph of a stranger's dead father and I lose it. I'm not even sure why. I don't think "that could be my father" I don't know what I think aside from sometimes I think I wouldn't cry at my own father's funeral. But that isn't the point. I'm not sure what the point is here, honestly. I wonder if maybe my wall is coming down around me, the wall I built up from age 7 or so to keep all people out, because no matter who they are, even if they are your sister, mother, father, best friend, lover they all can and will hurt you. I spent my whole life letting not one person in more than a tiny bit. Again, I'm straying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, after nineteen years, I think I'm learning how to feel. And it's wonderful.