I'm not living, I'm just killing time

I don't really have anything interesting to complain about tonight. But I suppose it isn't fair of me to only come here when I need to cry about this or that. I started reading The Catcher in the Rye a little this evening and I'm on page 62 right now. I'm liking it I'm just trying to read it slow to try to digest it rather than just breezing through it. Despite what Caitlin says "dont read too much into it, its just some depressed 14 year old..." I don't know, though. Reading is a pretty healthy way for me to pass my time. It's nice to get lost in the life of someone else for a change.

I've been on this Tegan & Sara kick for a week. I don't know where it came from.

Other than that I've been considering the past and my former friends even more. I get aggravated when I see my former best friend of three years wearing my scarf. How can you even look at something of mine when I know the hateful things you say about me? I don't know. I really don't understand people. I guess that's something that bothers me, the fact that I can't control everyone.

I don't know though. I'm probably going to read more of this book while I'm still into it. I hope this is one I can finish.

Take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere

I don't know what to think about a lot of things anymore. But on the other hand, with the other half of my life everything seems perfectly in order. Perfectly in place; perfectly perfect. The other side though, the side I've been considering greatly since we hung out Wednesday afternoon. I don't understand when my friends became the girls they were that day. The easy going happy go lucky girl with a bit of a wild streak is suddenly dull and grey, easily angered not amused. The one I was closest to seems to be pushing at me to let go of a friendship that's hanging on by threads as we speak. The nerdy little one I could always count on is so grown-up. I don't understand how I've missed so much in three months? I know I have changed it's true but I know the way I have changed is definitely for the better.

Who are my friends anymore? I have my boyfriend and I have one other person. Those are the only people who I really know. Those are the only people who I can talk to seriously anymore. I just don't know what to do or how to act. It's such an unsettling feeling knowing that I don't know hardly anyone anymore.

Oh, I've made love, yeah, I've been fucked, so what?

whineyblogtime?
Yeah, I think so.

Listening to showtunes and feeling sorry for myself. I let the tiniest things make me upset. I know it, but I can't help it, I'm aware of it and I don't know how to change it. I bought a Hello Kitty toaster yesterday or was it today? I have no sense of time when I'm not going to school. I also bought a new sweater dress maybe for New Years if I actually leave the house. Everytime I'm left to my own device I just feel like I'm the brink of breaking down. And for what? I don't even know. I have nothing to be sad about. Nothing important at least. I got mad at myself earlier and pulled out a chunk of my own hair. My scalp is bleeding. I really hate the word 'scalp'.

I'm waiting up until 2AM because that's when my download speed is optimal. I could have slept and just woken up early and used it from 6-7AM but that would make sense.

Oh and I, I say damn your mood swings

I'm starting to really scare myself the way that I've been thinking lately. I know it's unhealthy, I watch myself blame it on this or on that. I'm scared. I've done so well.I have no idea how to think clearly anymore.

I think, I could last at least a week without someone to hold me

Things are pretty much exactly the same no matter how different they feel. I'm just repeating my negative behaviors and all but eliminating the positive ones. But what can I do when the person I love the most makes me often feel that anything I feel is insignificant or over-dramatic?

Everyone is disappointed the more they know someone.

Life as of late has felt so hectic, but in reality it's quite slow-paced. Or maybe I am perceiving things backwards from 'reality' or actuality. Who knows? I'm not attending classes all week. I spent a minimal part of my evening emailing professors and shockingly not laying on excuses. I wish I could blame my lackadaisical approach to everything on something, like the Jets moving down in place (egad at my knowledge of that). I don't know though. I want to go to school next semester, but it's hard to remain motivated when I know that this will be my last semester and that my going to college got me nowhere.

But that's untrue, going to college helped me learn maturity and how to use it. Not necessarily the act of going to college, but the people that I met, more specifically the person that I met really taught me a lot.

I keep losing my train of thought. I can't pay attention to anything. I have anxiety for no reason, it keeps me on edge. I've had to take sleeping pills to put my mind at ease and be able to get any sleep at all.

Why am I so much taller than the other females in my family? How do professional athletes make so much money? Do you get paid to go on Springer? How did I spend 100 dollars in a week? I wish I had self control. It's so hot in here. How can last.fm only pay .0005 cents per play? I washed this tank top so many times, how can it still smell like the slutty girl I nabbed it from? I hate Christmas. I want MySpace to stop asking me if I am 18 & overweight. I feel like a married woman, I don't look pretty anymore. I wish my mind could feel as tired as my body does. I need shampoo. I wish I had the drive to hang out with my friends. I wish I had drive period. I love when someone mentions something and you instantly think of someone. I hate when someone mentions something and you instantly think of someone. I have a toothache.

And I feel pretty, pretty enough for you.

As long as I'm conscious I'm preoccupied with the thought that I am forgetting something or that there is something that I need to do. I feel like a mother who forgot she had a child. I just hope I don't put my baby in the microwave like that lady on Dr. Phil.

My body hurts and I feel fatigued constantly. I can't bring myself to attend my favorite class and I haven't cleaned in over a week. I wake up tired and drag myself along wherever I go. I've broken down for no apparent reason several times in the last week. I can't keep track of the day or time; it's like the world is going on without me and no one even notices.

I took the time last night to pay attention to a lot of the things that I do and I mean being aware of them is good and everything but it doesn't help me that much because I don't know what to do to try to change them. I guess my only conclusion last night was that I need to talk about them. I don't know though.

I don't know because I don't know what I know and what I don't know. I don't know what to do about anything. I feel like talking about what's going on with me will be a burden for him or that it's just simple and silly and stupid. I don't know...