I wrote your letters, I knew your name

It's weird when I think about it. How much we look alike, but how different we really are. We have the same nose, the same ears, and the same eyes, our hair even falls the exact same way, yet somehow we turned out so completely different. We lived the same life and had similar experiences. I used to look up to her like I did no one else. I used to want to be her when I grew up. I even remember trying to go blonde to be more like her. (Needless to say that ended horribly...)

I really don't know what happened. I mean, I know our parents weren't the best. I know they never trusted us or let us have much of a social life. I know all the things they fucked up with. But I also know you, you're my sister. I was there for everything, and I saw it all. So how did I turn out like this, fucked up in my own way, but functional and fully capable? You on the other hand...What happened to you? Why is it that you are destined to fuck yourself over and up no matter what?

I really miss the sister I used to have. Or maybe I miss the idea of a sister I used to have. I don't really know anymore. I drive myself crazy thinking about it. I don't understand how someone can steal from their sister. I work for my things. You claim to have a job and make more than I do, so why is that you need to take my things, money and food from me? Sure, you have two kids, but it's not like you're using the money you take for them and we all know that.

I'm in such a confusing situation right now. In that, I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I feel like every experience is a learning experience. With that said, I find it very difficult to realize what it is I'm supposed to be learning from this.

It brings tears to my eyes to think about the conversation I had with your ex-husband. (Isn't it sad, you're 24 and already have an ex-husband?) Regardless, I ran into him the other day and he was telling me about the home videos he had been watching with your kids. He said he could look into your eyes and even on film he could see that you were truly happy. You were so free and at peace with your life and situation. He told me how he will always love you but can't deal with you because you aren't that girl anymore. You're just a hollow shell. And what I can't grasp is why you're so fully content running around with douchebags who just want to fuck you, and know you're easy? Why you think it's okay to smoke a bowl with your kids in the car? Why you do all these stupid fucking things to yourself and your kids and don't even think about it. And that's why I hate you. I will never let you let me down again. I deserve more than anything you've ever given me. And I'm not going to spend my days worrying about my older sister, where she is and if she's going to make it home okay.

I knew the words, but they didn't sink in.

It's weird that I was thinking about it today. I don't even know what sparked it in my mind- no wait I do. I was following a car like the one her parents drive up the hill this morning. It's interesting to think of the way that I impacted the lives so many people. Yes, I realize how completely conceited and ridiculous that sounds. I guess the entire situation just proves that I am not a decent human being. It's not just the way I always put myself down in an effort to be pleasantly surprised. It's just the truth. Some people are good and some people are not. I'm just one of the people who isn't. And don't get me wrong, I've tried to change, I'm always trying to improve upon myself. Anyway, I'm straying from my point. I'm not sorry for what I did. I mean I guess I really shouldn't have to be sorry. I had no idea how many layers there were in the whole situation. But that's not an excuse, really.

Five months ago I came into the picture, knocking it off the wall. I fucked up their happy little fucked up world even more. Not a day can go by without he or I thinking of her. Her possessions still litter the apartment they once shared. Her scent still lingers in that stale air. Her impression has been made on both of us in different ways.

Still, though. When I let my mind wander to these places I feel a sense of power. And that's how I know that I'm not a good person, I'm just not meant to be a kindhearted individual. Meanness and spite are just embedded so deeply into me that I don't think I can change it. It's just how I am and how I am meant to be, niceness from me is foreign, often forced, and sometimes faked. It's like how you can look at a little kid. When you look into the face of a child you're supposed to see softness and innocence. But sometimes you just don't. You can tell when a child is mean-spirited, it shows all over their face. Adults learn to hide their true selves. But children, children can't. They're honest no matter what, even if they don't mean to be.

I'm not living, I'm just killing time

I don't really have anything interesting to complain about tonight. But I suppose it isn't fair of me to only come here when I need to cry about this or that. I started reading The Catcher in the Rye a little this evening and I'm on page 62 right now. I'm liking it I'm just trying to read it slow to try to digest it rather than just breezing through it. Despite what Caitlin says "dont read too much into it, its just some depressed 14 year old..." I don't know, though. Reading is a pretty healthy way for me to pass my time. It's nice to get lost in the life of someone else for a change.

I've been on this Tegan & Sara kick for a week. I don't know where it came from.

Other than that I've been considering the past and my former friends even more. I get aggravated when I see my former best friend of three years wearing my scarf. How can you even look at something of mine when I know the hateful things you say about me? I don't know. I really don't understand people. I guess that's something that bothers me, the fact that I can't control everyone.

I don't know though. I'm probably going to read more of this book while I'm still into it. I hope this is one I can finish.

Take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere

I don't know what to think about a lot of things anymore. But on the other hand, with the other half of my life everything seems perfectly in order. Perfectly in place; perfectly perfect. The other side though, the side I've been considering greatly since we hung out Wednesday afternoon. I don't understand when my friends became the girls they were that day. The easy going happy go lucky girl with a bit of a wild streak is suddenly dull and grey, easily angered not amused. The one I was closest to seems to be pushing at me to let go of a friendship that's hanging on by threads as we speak. The nerdy little one I could always count on is so grown-up. I don't understand how I've missed so much in three months? I know I have changed it's true but I know the way I have changed is definitely for the better.

Who are my friends anymore? I have my boyfriend and I have one other person. Those are the only people who I really know. Those are the only people who I can talk to seriously anymore. I just don't know what to do or how to act. It's such an unsettling feeling knowing that I don't know hardly anyone anymore.

Don't you get worried, please don't at all, don't you take pity it's my own fault

This morning was one of those early mornings I was talking about the other day. When I'm completely honest and whatnot. The only difference was that this was a time where I was bluntly honest, but with someone else. I think I might have crossed a figurative line. It just isn't a situation that I am comfortable with and never could be. I just don't know why, aside from the whole "you shouldn't date a friend's ex" thing. It's just like when people ask me why it was so bad I guess I usually just can't think of a good enough reason to justify the things I say. I don't know what made the whole thing so depressing. Was it the fact that he didn't know how to show affection, or that he didn't know who he even was, or the fact that we didn't have common ground, the fact that he shot down all my interests, how bad he made me feel about my appearance, or that we couldn't even carry a conversation, it was like he wouldn't allow me to care for him. I mean sure there was a lot of things that happened that were my fault and I only stayed with him for stupid reasons. But I suppose good came out of it in a few ways. I was sad, sure, but only a few days later I felt so great, such a heavy load was lifted off of my chest. And now the relationship I'm in now is part way into it's second month, but it feels like so much longer, and definitely in a good way. I feel like I've known Dennis for so long. Things are just so comfortable and happy and amazing.

But I guess I'm still dwelling on the past in the fact that I really would be so hurt if Caitlin pursued anything with Nate. I guess I just never got the satisfaction of how I imagined the breakup to go. Like I imagined my female friends at least, would bond with me and engage in the typical ex-boyfriend bashing. But I never got to have that. The people who I considered my best friends were either out of touch or dating the best friend of my ex. But now that their relationship has ran it's course too, I'm still not getting that satisfaction that I wanted. And that is me just being childish and I know that, oh do I know that. But I can't help it. I guess it was just part of the closure that I didn't get that I still want.

Oh well, there really is nothing that I can do. I can't tell her who she can and cannot see. It's just not something I can control. But I really will have to 'sever the tie' so to speak if anything happens there. And I realize that is drastic, but I can't deal with the constant fear of someone I consider to be a best-friend to be dating my ex, like that just cannot end well. And it all falls back on my being selfish and that I'd be paranoid about what they'd be thinking about me especially considering the group of people they've been hanging around with and the fact that my decisions have led me to be exiled from them.

Like I said, I guess there isn't anything I can really do. I like where my own life is headed right now and I just shouldn't worry about the decisions of most people. For now I'll just try to get over this splitting migraine and just try to focus on those people who I know really do care about me.