so let me down softly this time.

It's pleasant to be so wrapped up in my own little life, it really, truly is. My job is enjoyable, the people I've met there are so vastly different and interesting. Especially one woman who I would love to just keep in my pocket and carry around with me. She's such an amazing person with so much to offer. It's funny too, because I think that she has no idea how much I love to hear her talk about her past and present. She makes me think, causes me to check myself at times and is someone I just love to be around. I think she's what I wish I could be.

This morning I spent an hour and twenty minutes reading the local newspapers and tonight I tracked my spending while eating s'mores pudding. It's like I'm in this happy place in my life right now where I'm realizing that I am capable of adult responsibilites but at the same time I can still have fun and enjoy things. I hope I never outgrow that.

There is one part of me that I feel crawling back into the foreground stronger each day. I'm not sure what exactly triggered it or why, but I think I can approach this in a healthy way.

I used to be free spirited, now I'm just free of sleep

I don't understand this. I never thought I would be the one who was turned on by and who had to turn on my family. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be the one he liked. But now, over a job, over a motherfucking job everything is different. He's the only person who doesn't think it's a good thing. I'm so angry I can feel it in my body. I am this close to just giving up and walking away.

I know life isn't fair and we can't always have things our way, but this is unfair and I can't back down. I would never forgive myself. I need this.

I just. I can't even form another sentence right now. I have the urge to purge like no one would believe right now.

well if you think that im lying why would i give up trying ?

Everything bothers me. I let every tiny little thing get under my skin and I don't know how to change that. It doesn't help that I can't stop eating.

I don't like this idea of a letter. I hope it's one of those things he talks about and just forgets about. I hope, I hope, I hope. My whole day was basically shit though. I dyed my hair Little Mermaid red and only two people noticed. My drawing teacher still refuses to look me in the eye or offer any suggestions when it comes to the portraiture. I feel like every pretty girl around me is competition. I'm fat and disgusting with bad skin. But when I voice my feelings of inadequacy I get laughed at and called over-dramatic. But I take that stuff so seriously. I can't help it. Struggling through an eating disorder for over three years will make your self image low. Of all people I expect him to get that. My old friends are refusing to be flexible to make plans. I feel like no one cares. Is it better or worse with no friends? I can't tell.

Apparently, I just handle every situation wrong. I let a group of people who don't matter bring me down and I can't fix that. I try to work on it and my only friend left makes me feel like I am immature and ridiculous. She's completely unfair and I can't trust her for a second. I thought I used to but I think I just wanted to convince myself that I had a girl I could lean on. But I don't. I never have. I let my sister's choice of my neighbour over me bother me to no end. It's unfair because I am her sister. I'm real and I'm there. But I guess I don't have a car so I'm not good enough. I don't get high so I'm not cool enough. I don't drink with people 7 years younger than me so I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. I couldn't even draw decently today. 2 hours and 40 minutes on one piece and it looks like straight shit. I mean what do I have when the one thing I am capable of, the one thing that isn't a person that makes me feel like I am important. The one thing that sometime convinces me I have talent falls through? I see everything around me crumbling and I'm too apathetic to do anything about it. And honestly that's really scary.

I think the only conclusion I have right now is that I have no fucking idea what's going on in the world around me.

I just want someone to agree with me on something. Not every conversation has to be a debate. Not everything that I say is so outlandish and abnormal that I am completely unrelatable.

It's times like these that make me think that maybe some kind of outside counselling would be beneficiary. But then I consider the lives of those around me and realize that I'm stupid and any problem that I have is ridiculous. But I can't help it. I know it might be ridiculous but sometimes I just feel like people expect so much of me. Even total strangers. I will never live up to anyone's expectations. Not even my own.

Oh and I, I say damn your mood swings

I'm starting to really scare myself the way that I've been thinking lately. I know it's unhealthy, I watch myself blame it on this or on that. I'm scared. I've done so well.I have no idea how to think clearly anymore.

I think, I could last at least a week without someone to hold me

Things are pretty much exactly the same no matter how different they feel. I'm just repeating my negative behaviors and all but eliminating the positive ones. But what can I do when the person I love the most makes me often feel that anything I feel is insignificant or over-dramatic?