Give me a reason to make me smile, 'cause I think I forgot how

Last night I dreamed that I found everything I ever lost. I had a dream I wasn't sleeping alone. I had a dream I packed up everything I owned. Three separate dreams. I wish they were reality. Or at least that I could keep dreaming until the 12th.

I received somewhat of a verbal bitch-slap this morning. One that if I had committed I would be scolded for. Oh, well. I'm hard to live with I guess. Actually, no. That's for certain. One of the few things I can be certain about these days. My apathetic approach to everything kind of hit me last night and I had a bit of breakdown. However, I buried my feelings away in mad libs (hahahah). Then the aforementioned bitch-slap and I kind of lost it again. I just don't see why I should be treated like that, all I'm doing is missing you? Whatever I guess. I don't really know what to do when I'm left out of contact and it's hard to keep myself entertained.

'Cause it's been ten days without you in my reach, and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

try to keep warm. try to keep awake. try to keep happy. try to keep occupied.


tomorrow' s kind of an important day. well, at least it is to me. he might not have a clue, but that doesn't even make me sad. maybe if i didn't miss him so much it would, i don't know. i guess three months isn't that long anyway. only what? 90-ish days? i could spend so much time with him that 90 days doesn't seem like anything. so much has happened since october. i can't even remember the person that i used to be.

I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or personality

I'm tired of break. I need something to occupy my time. I finished The Catcher in the Rye. I can't download any new music until 2:am. I have one person who's been talking to me all day.

Nothing thrills me anymore.

Oh, I've made love, yeah, I've been fucked, so what?

whineyblogtime?
Yeah, I think so.

Listening to showtunes and feeling sorry for myself. I let the tiniest things make me upset. I know it, but I can't help it, I'm aware of it and I don't know how to change it. I bought a Hello Kitty toaster yesterday or was it today? I have no sense of time when I'm not going to school. I also bought a new sweater dress maybe for New Years if I actually leave the house. Everytime I'm left to my own device I just feel like I'm the brink of breaking down. And for what? I don't even know. I have nothing to be sad about. Nothing important at least. I got mad at myself earlier and pulled out a chunk of my own hair. My scalp is bleeding. I really hate the word 'scalp'.

I'm waiting up until 2AM because that's when my download speed is optimal. I could have slept and just woken up early and used it from 6-7AM but that would make sense.

I think, I could last at least a week without someone to hold me

Things are pretty much exactly the same no matter how different they feel. I'm just repeating my negative behaviors and all but eliminating the positive ones. But what can I do when the person I love the most makes me often feel that anything I feel is insignificant or over-dramatic?

Everyone is disappointed the more they know someone.

Life as of late has felt so hectic, but in reality it's quite slow-paced. Or maybe I am perceiving things backwards from 'reality' or actuality. Who knows? I'm not attending classes all week. I spent a minimal part of my evening emailing professors and shockingly not laying on excuses. I wish I could blame my lackadaisical approach to everything on something, like the Jets moving down in place (egad at my knowledge of that). I don't know though. I want to go to school next semester, but it's hard to remain motivated when I know that this will be my last semester and that my going to college got me nowhere.

But that's untrue, going to college helped me learn maturity and how to use it. Not necessarily the act of going to college, but the people that I met, more specifically the person that I met really taught me a lot.

I keep losing my train of thought. I can't pay attention to anything. I have anxiety for no reason, it keeps me on edge. I've had to take sleeping pills to put my mind at ease and be able to get any sleep at all.

Why am I so much taller than the other females in my family? How do professional athletes make so much money? Do you get paid to go on Springer? How did I spend 100 dollars in a week? I wish I had self control. It's so hot in here. How can last.fm only pay .0005 cents per play? I washed this tank top so many times, how can it still smell like the slutty girl I nabbed it from? I hate Christmas. I want MySpace to stop asking me if I am 18 & overweight. I feel like a married woman, I don't look pretty anymore. I wish my mind could feel as tired as my body does. I need shampoo. I wish I had the drive to hang out with my friends. I wish I had drive period. I love when someone mentions something and you instantly think of someone. I hate when someone mentions something and you instantly think of someone. I have a toothache.

And I feel pretty, pretty enough for you.

As long as I'm conscious I'm preoccupied with the thought that I am forgetting something or that there is something that I need to do. I feel like a mother who forgot she had a child. I just hope I don't put my baby in the microwave like that lady on Dr. Phil.

My body hurts and I feel fatigued constantly. I can't bring myself to attend my favorite class and I haven't cleaned in over a week. I wake up tired and drag myself along wherever I go. I've broken down for no apparent reason several times in the last week. I can't keep track of the day or time; it's like the world is going on without me and no one even notices.

I took the time last night to pay attention to a lot of the things that I do and I mean being aware of them is good and everything but it doesn't help me that much because I don't know what to do to try to change them. I guess my only conclusion last night was that I need to talk about them. I don't know though.

I don't know because I don't know what I know and what I don't know. I don't know what to do about anything. I feel like talking about what's going on with me will be a burden for him or that it's just simple and silly and stupid. I don't know...

And of course Henry the horse dances the waltz!

I think my week of being a recluse has left me worse off in my social ineptitude. I feel like everytime I try to have a conversation I just freeze.

I made no grand use of my time today, as expected.

afraid my heart, it beats too slow or that I died and just didn't know

It's only Monday and I'm already ready for break to be over. I could care less about Thanksgiving and everyone I know is off somewhere else with their families. So I'm stuck at home in my pajamas crying over episodes of the Tyra Banks show while eating cookie dough. Now I'm listening to Jason Mraz ( I know right? ) figuring it isn't neccessary for me to shower when my human contact level for the day is very minimal. I'll spend my whole day waiting for a phone call that won't come until the late evening and will probably last all of five minutes. There is so much that I need to accomplish over break and I know that most of it won't happen. I even made myself a to do list last night that I probably won't even look at until next Sunday night thinking "oh shit ". Shrug, oh well.

Why don't I begin again with turpentine and patches?

I took that SimilarMinds personality test for the first time in a while. Some things have improved like Vanity and Narcissism, other things haven't changed...

These were some of the ones I scored highest in:
I italicized the strongest points

Histrionic:
strong need for applause, gets angry and frustrated if they don't get what they want, likes to be popular, believes winning is no fun unless people know you won, desires more attention, competes for the spotlight, grew up feeling they had to stand out to be happy, gets attention through negative behavior, self absorbed, frequently feels envious, likes to manipulate others, superficial, tends to become involved with people quickly, feels best when admired, wants things done their way, used to getting their way, uses their looks to get what they want, quick tempered, impulsive, vain, loves to win awards, performer, entertainer, pleasure seeking, swayed by emotions, prefers instant gratification, self promoting, believes in success through appearances, wealth seeking

Paranoia:
suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, more doubt than belief, preoccuppied with death and suffering, fears being harmed or controlled, bitter, looks for hidden meaning in things, personality is centered around low self esteem issues, feels misunderstood, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, defensive, often experiences disgust, love-hate relationships with most things, likes to test people's loyalty, thinks life is overrated, focuses on suffering, feels like an outsider, existentially depressed, does not trust what people say, prone to shame, suffers from depression, knows the dark side of life very well, attracted to things associated with sadness, would rather remain alone than risk rejection, hard to get to know, makes enemies, loner

Avoidant:
loner, limits social interaction because it's draining, does not express emotions easily, shy, does not like most people, does not think most people like them, nothing really pleases them, prefers to dress down (hide attractiveness), considered weird by others, values personal privacy above personal relationships, feels dejected and better off alone, neglects self, has low self esteem issues, can't find meaning in life, seeks wholeness through isolation, hard to get to know, emotionally numb, even in a relationship they desire a sense of seperateness, thinks life is overrated, would rather be alone then risk rejection, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, feels like an outsider, afraid to show it when they like some one, aversion to physical contact, somewhat asexual, prone to shame, existentially depressed, prone to focus on suffering, bitter, does not like happy people, poor self image, anhedonic

As well as Dependency, Peter Pan Syndrome, and Need to Dominate.


Aside from this today proved to be a day of high highs and low lows; everything ended on a fairly positive note, however. Days like today are nice though, because I love the idea of laying around talking honestly, comfortably and truthfully. I love when you're talking to someone so honestly and real that it's almost painful. I love being on the receiving end as well. I love trusting and being trusted. I suppose that's silly, though because who doesn't enjoy that?

Needs and love and happiness and failure, people and perception the future and the things that happen, good friends and bad people, understanding and ignorance. There's a part of me that wishes everyday could be like this.