living in your pre-war apartment, soon to be your post-war apartment.

It's back to school time already! And while I do dearly miss the anticipation of new teachers and learning new things I am so thankful that I'm not going to be wasting my days away in an un-airconditioned classroom at ccc listening to a crazy woman mispronounce the word "Pharoah". Instead I waste my days slicing bologna for women in power carts with cock-eyes and meth scabs.

Regardless of all that, life is constantly looking up each day. Depending on others and have them depend upon you is such a comforting feeling, really. I've made so many memories over the past couple of months it's been amazing.

Hold in your breath 'til you come back up in full

Have you ever found yourself just living your life and realized that it's more than what you could have dreamed it would be? Have you ever done, seen, and experienced things that you couldn't ( no matter how simple ) even fathom? If so, then you know what I'm talking about. Otherwise I really hope you get to. Life is grand when you just let go and let it happen. I love when things are like this. When something as simple as realizing how small you are next to a giant wind turbine is the most important thing in the world at that moment. Everything else is pushed aside, back and away for those moments when everything is about you and the person next to you. I love when the stale atmosphere of a hotel room is made to feel like home due to the chemistry of the people in it, and how I never wanted it to end.

Sometimes it scares me, the things I've seen and done and how precious they are to me. I used to carry my camera everywhere I went because I was afraid of someday, suddenly forgetting all I've seen and done and would at least have the photographs to remember. Sometimes I wish I was still so dependent on that lens, because i want to share the beauty I've seen with everyone. At the same time, though, I really just like to hold on to what I've seen, and keep it for myself and the people who've experienced these things right along with me. But I guess that's selfish.

But on this stage I've learned to fly, learned to sing and learned to cry

Currently, I am on a random (or possibly paint thinner induced) high. I spent the majority of my day sedentary watching court shows and other equally trashy daytime television. My step toward being a better person for today was that I learned that I really need to make a better use of my time. Two days are already gone out of this break and I've successfully accomplished nothing. Tomorrow I'll be home alone which may lead to less inhibitions toward drawing something decent or even just cleaning around the house.

I spent nearly 45 minutes searching all over my house in a failed attempt to find some Polaroids I had taken last summer. I checked all the stupid places I hide things from myself and no luck. I can't even remember what they were of, all of them. I know some were stupid, close-up shots of flowers and I know I had one of Strawberry Fields, but I can't remember anything else. Probably some horrible shots of myself wearing a number of ridiculous twee sweaters. I guess it doesn't matter, really. I want film is my point.

I just found myself clicking around on the blogs of other people out of boredom. I never knew that being knock kneed, having a milky white complexion and advanced levels of social awkwardness made you cool... Crazy if all this time I was amazingly hip, why did I always get shit in high school for being a freak? Who knows, who knows.

I think I'm going to take advantage of the energy I'm still experiencing and get to cleaning this shithole I've barely ventured out of for about 72 hours.

Why don't I begin again with turpentine and patches?

I took that SimilarMinds personality test for the first time in a while. Some things have improved like Vanity and Narcissism, other things haven't changed...

These were some of the ones I scored highest in:
I italicized the strongest points

Histrionic:
strong need for applause, gets angry and frustrated if they don't get what they want, likes to be popular, believes winning is no fun unless people know you won, desires more attention, competes for the spotlight, grew up feeling they had to stand out to be happy, gets attention through negative behavior, self absorbed, frequently feels envious, likes to manipulate others, superficial, tends to become involved with people quickly, feels best when admired, wants things done their way, used to getting their way, uses their looks to get what they want, quick tempered, impulsive, vain, loves to win awards, performer, entertainer, pleasure seeking, swayed by emotions, prefers instant gratification, self promoting, believes in success through appearances, wealth seeking

Paranoia:
suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, more doubt than belief, preoccuppied with death and suffering, fears being harmed or controlled, bitter, looks for hidden meaning in things, personality is centered around low self esteem issues, feels misunderstood, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, defensive, often experiences disgust, love-hate relationships with most things, likes to test people's loyalty, thinks life is overrated, focuses on suffering, feels like an outsider, existentially depressed, does not trust what people say, prone to shame, suffers from depression, knows the dark side of life very well, attracted to things associated with sadness, would rather remain alone than risk rejection, hard to get to know, makes enemies, loner

Avoidant:
loner, limits social interaction because it's draining, does not express emotions easily, shy, does not like most people, does not think most people like them, nothing really pleases them, prefers to dress down (hide attractiveness), considered weird by others, values personal privacy above personal relationships, feels dejected and better off alone, neglects self, has low self esteem issues, can't find meaning in life, seeks wholeness through isolation, hard to get to know, emotionally numb, even in a relationship they desire a sense of seperateness, thinks life is overrated, would rather be alone then risk rejection, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, feels like an outsider, afraid to show it when they like some one, aversion to physical contact, somewhat asexual, prone to shame, existentially depressed, prone to focus on suffering, bitter, does not like happy people, poor self image, anhedonic

As well as Dependency, Peter Pan Syndrome, and Need to Dominate.


Aside from this today proved to be a day of high highs and low lows; everything ended on a fairly positive note, however. Days like today are nice though, because I love the idea of laying around talking honestly, comfortably and truthfully. I love when you're talking to someone so honestly and real that it's almost painful. I love being on the receiving end as well. I love trusting and being trusted. I suppose that's silly, though because who doesn't enjoy that?

Needs and love and happiness and failure, people and perception the future and the things that happen, good friends and bad people, understanding and ignorance. There's a part of me that wishes everyday could be like this.