I know there aren't too many people who allow themselves to say what they feel

Finally, I overcame that migraine that had been nagging at me for a couple of days. I finally got rid of it last night/early this morning when I came into one of those bursts of creative energy I was talking about the other day. I spent fourty-five minutes trying to draw myself in a dimly lit room, with no glasses and it proved to be not a waste of time, but a learning experience- I can't draw if I can't see...miraculous thoughts I have...

Either way, I then went on to write and I spent a good two or three hours just writing, just letting whatever ran into my head channel down my arm, my hand, my pen, my paper. I can never express how great it feels to be able to for once, be completely honest with myself and not have to be afraid of my own thoughts.

Currently, I'm easily distracted sitting around in my bedroom. I have my lamps set up trying to speed up the drying time of my oil painting I've been working on for the past week. We had to create some kind of narrative piece and I used Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel No. 2 as my story. The painting is shit. So much is off on it and it screams incomplete. It's about 10 hours of work and no one would know it to look at it. I needed just one more day to get my details in after the layer that's on now dries. One more day and the face wouldn't look like something shat across my canvas. Oh well, boo for lack of time management skills.

It's funny how I've found myself repeating the same things so much. The same motions, emotions and behaviors. I think of a silly little song that makes me happy and realize how many of those there have been in the past month or so and all the other silly little things that make me smile. I realize that I like being happy at the risk of being annoyingly repetitive. I am the person that I would have been disgusted by (in more that one way) such a short time ago and I don't see that changing. I'm not complaining either.

Just like I said before, the only thing I have to complain about lately is the fact that I suck super bad at school. Boo at college. I'm glad in a way that Mandy fucked me over on my application to Purchase, because I would hate to be sucking at school, away from home, with no one I love around me. It's scary how I've been thinking of the whole 'everything happens for a reason' idea lately. Like I think of all the shitty things that may have happened or the shitty people that fucked me over, but then I realize that if one little thing would have been even slightly different things wouldn't be like they are now. It's scary, but it feels like the truth, that everything that has piled up, just needed to get sorted through to get to the thing I really wanted, I really needed in the end. So I guess I should take the time to write thank you's to all those people that fucked me over.

And now Miley Cyrus comes up on shuffle... Ah life...

Don't you get worried, please don't at all, don't you take pity it's my own fault

This morning was one of those early mornings I was talking about the other day. When I'm completely honest and whatnot. The only difference was that this was a time where I was bluntly honest, but with someone else. I think I might have crossed a figurative line. It just isn't a situation that I am comfortable with and never could be. I just don't know why, aside from the whole "you shouldn't date a friend's ex" thing. It's just like when people ask me why it was so bad I guess I usually just can't think of a good enough reason to justify the things I say. I don't know what made the whole thing so depressing. Was it the fact that he didn't know how to show affection, or that he didn't know who he even was, or the fact that we didn't have common ground, the fact that he shot down all my interests, how bad he made me feel about my appearance, or that we couldn't even carry a conversation, it was like he wouldn't allow me to care for him. I mean sure there was a lot of things that happened that were my fault and I only stayed with him for stupid reasons. But I suppose good came out of it in a few ways. I was sad, sure, but only a few days later I felt so great, such a heavy load was lifted off of my chest. And now the relationship I'm in now is part way into it's second month, but it feels like so much longer, and definitely in a good way. I feel like I've known Dennis for so long. Things are just so comfortable and happy and amazing.

But I guess I'm still dwelling on the past in the fact that I really would be so hurt if Caitlin pursued anything with Nate. I guess I just never got the satisfaction of how I imagined the breakup to go. Like I imagined my female friends at least, would bond with me and engage in the typical ex-boyfriend bashing. But I never got to have that. The people who I considered my best friends were either out of touch or dating the best friend of my ex. But now that their relationship has ran it's course too, I'm still not getting that satisfaction that I wanted. And that is me just being childish and I know that, oh do I know that. But I can't help it. I guess it was just part of the closure that I didn't get that I still want.

Oh well, there really is nothing that I can do. I can't tell her who she can and cannot see. It's just not something I can control. But I really will have to 'sever the tie' so to speak if anything happens there. And I realize that is drastic, but I can't deal with the constant fear of someone I consider to be a best-friend to be dating my ex, like that just cannot end well. And it all falls back on my being selfish and that I'd be paranoid about what they'd be thinking about me especially considering the group of people they've been hanging around with and the fact that my decisions have led me to be exiled from them.

Like I said, I guess there isn't anything I can really do. I like where my own life is headed right now and I just shouldn't worry about the decisions of most people. For now I'll just try to get over this splitting migraine and just try to focus on those people who I know really do care about me.

Cross-posted.

Like the title suggests, this is cross posted on a shared blog.


Today started out as one of "those days" that average, everyday people bitch and moan about. Slightly stressful, but in reality quite mundane. Which honestly, was only due to the fact that I am so easily stressted/angered/frustrated/etc by little meaningless things. This morning was one of running late, noticing the snow and having no warm clothes readily available, being nagged, getting pissed beyond belief at the Advising and Counseling Center for putting a hold on my account which prevented me from registering for classes. The hold on my account was what truly set me off and caused me to have an unpleasant morning/early afternoon. Thanks to my lovely sister and her assertiveness that issue has been taken care of.

Thankfully, the body of my day was spent running here and there with two great people who seem to get along quite well, which is so perfect. Especially considering the uncanny way that my sister can find herself hating the people I surround myself with. We ran around looking for shoes, visiting multiple wal*marts (getting 'free samples'), being crowded in a backseat, and other silly happenings. All-in-all it was a simple day, but so enjoyable.

Currently, I'm finding myself not tired enough for the hour that it is and feeling simply very self-aware. Which cannot ever be a good thing for me. It's one of those nights that a few years ago staring out my window watching the night brighten into day. I was always comfortable with my own thoughts at these hours. Watching the pink sky reflect back on the pond, like I would on myself, but in a remarkably comfortable way. I used to love the shockingly cold air, even piercing at times. I wonder sometimes if I really am happy right now or if I am just in a period of repression. Just blocking out the things that bother me and not letting myself think those thoughts that made me hate myself so much. But then in the same breath I know that I am happy. If this isn't happiness then I truly don't know what happiness is and I like to think that I don't suck at life that much.

I also remember a time when this hour led to some of the most beautiful thoughts and creative bursts. I haven't had one of those in so long. Maybe that's because going to college has exposed me to some really great artists which has brought me into a slight creative rut, comparing myself to others. I miss having the art teacher who was part counselor, telling me constantly to keep my chin up and to only judge myself against myself, who is the toughest critic anyway. I miss my artistic ignorance from highschool. I miss thinking I was in the top of some of my classes and showing off my works without a second thought. Not that it didn't take me long to get to that point, but I do miss it. I guess I'm just missing a confidence thing, which wasn't even brought on by myself, it was the fact that I fed off the comments of others to keep me going (even with things outside the art realm).

I don't have people constantly telling me that I am doing the correct thing, but I have something better. I have someone who truly cares for me. Moreso than I probably realizes. And beyond that I care for him more than he can probably imagine. It feels so great to have someone I can tell things to and feel comfortable just spending time with. I can't stop listening to silly love songs and I'm not complaining.

I suppose that this hour has proven to be one of reflection and I pretty positive one I suppose. I love the sound sleep that comes after a good conversation, a creative splurge or getting a slight release from allowing my mind to wander without worry and realizing that I don't have to be afraid of my own thoughts anymore. I really wish I could get back into the habit of writing daily.