But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

It's crazy how time passes by this time of year. As soon as the leaves change it seems like they're making their decent. As much as I love the season I'm not necessarily complaining because I have so much to look forward to. I've become so busy it seems, but again I'm not complaining. I started a new job about a month ago and all is well thus far and in two weeks I'm moving!

My sister is still a fuck up, but her kid's father has custody of them now, thankfully. I decided to give up on her 100 percent. I don't want to see her, talk to her or anything. I'm sure it sounds childish, but the things that happened at my expense as a child tell me that I have every right to be this way. If all that isn't enough, her daughter, my five year old niece has said she saw "mommy put sugar in her nose". So needless to say these kids are in a much healthier environment living with their father, not out of a 2-door Saturn with their mother.

Speaking of this car, my boyfriend is increasingly more wonderful each day and I am beyond thrilled to wake up to that face everyday.

Despite all the good that's happening, sometimes I find myself in these odd moods. They never last long, usually only for an instant. Like right before I wrote this. It's like for one moment all the compassion I held back all these years just comes flooding out and I, only for the briefest moment lose control and cry. It's always for a reason, not just a random bout of crying. For example, I look at a photograph of a stranger's dead father and I lose it. I'm not even sure why. I don't think "that could be my father" I don't know what I think aside from sometimes I think I wouldn't cry at my own father's funeral. But that isn't the point. I'm not sure what the point is here, honestly. I wonder if maybe my wall is coming down around me, the wall I built up from age 7 or so to keep all people out, because no matter who they are, even if they are your sister, mother, father, best friend, lover they all can and will hurt you. I spent my whole life letting not one person in more than a tiny bit. Again, I'm straying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, after nineteen years, I think I'm learning how to feel. And it's wonderful.

I wrote your letters, I knew your name

It's weird when I think about it. How much we look alike, but how different we really are. We have the same nose, the same ears, and the same eyes, our hair even falls the exact same way, yet somehow we turned out so completely different. We lived the same life and had similar experiences. I used to look up to her like I did no one else. I used to want to be her when I grew up. I even remember trying to go blonde to be more like her. (Needless to say that ended horribly...)

I really don't know what happened. I mean, I know our parents weren't the best. I know they never trusted us or let us have much of a social life. I know all the things they fucked up with. But I also know you, you're my sister. I was there for everything, and I saw it all. So how did I turn out like this, fucked up in my own way, but functional and fully capable? You on the other hand...What happened to you? Why is it that you are destined to fuck yourself over and up no matter what?

I really miss the sister I used to have. Or maybe I miss the idea of a sister I used to have. I don't really know anymore. I drive myself crazy thinking about it. I don't understand how someone can steal from their sister. I work for my things. You claim to have a job and make more than I do, so why is that you need to take my things, money and food from me? Sure, you have two kids, but it's not like you're using the money you take for them and we all know that.

I'm in such a confusing situation right now. In that, I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I feel like every experience is a learning experience. With that said, I find it very difficult to realize what it is I'm supposed to be learning from this.

It brings tears to my eyes to think about the conversation I had with your ex-husband. (Isn't it sad, you're 24 and already have an ex-husband?) Regardless, I ran into him the other day and he was telling me about the home videos he had been watching with your kids. He said he could look into your eyes and even on film he could see that you were truly happy. You were so free and at peace with your life and situation. He told me how he will always love you but can't deal with you because you aren't that girl anymore. You're just a hollow shell. And what I can't grasp is why you're so fully content running around with douchebags who just want to fuck you, and know you're easy? Why you think it's okay to smoke a bowl with your kids in the car? Why you do all these stupid fucking things to yourself and your kids and don't even think about it. And that's why I hate you. I will never let you let me down again. I deserve more than anything you've ever given me. And I'm not going to spend my days worrying about my older sister, where she is and if she's going to make it home okay.