But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

It's crazy how time passes by this time of year. As soon as the leaves change it seems like they're making their decent. As much as I love the season I'm not necessarily complaining because I have so much to look forward to. I've become so busy it seems, but again I'm not complaining. I started a new job about a month ago and all is well thus far and in two weeks I'm moving!

My sister is still a fuck up, but her kid's father has custody of them now, thankfully. I decided to give up on her 100 percent. I don't want to see her, talk to her or anything. I'm sure it sounds childish, but the things that happened at my expense as a child tell me that I have every right to be this way. If all that isn't enough, her daughter, my five year old niece has said she saw "mommy put sugar in her nose". So needless to say these kids are in a much healthier environment living with their father, not out of a 2-door Saturn with their mother.

Speaking of this car, my boyfriend is increasingly more wonderful each day and I am beyond thrilled to wake up to that face everyday.

Despite all the good that's happening, sometimes I find myself in these odd moods. They never last long, usually only for an instant. Like right before I wrote this. It's like for one moment all the compassion I held back all these years just comes flooding out and I, only for the briefest moment lose control and cry. It's always for a reason, not just a random bout of crying. For example, I look at a photograph of a stranger's dead father and I lose it. I'm not even sure why. I don't think "that could be my father" I don't know what I think aside from sometimes I think I wouldn't cry at my own father's funeral. But that isn't the point. I'm not sure what the point is here, honestly. I wonder if maybe my wall is coming down around me, the wall I built up from age 7 or so to keep all people out, because no matter who they are, even if they are your sister, mother, father, best friend, lover they all can and will hurt you. I spent my whole life letting not one person in more than a tiny bit. Again, I'm straying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, after nineteen years, I think I'm learning how to feel. And it's wonderful.

I wrote your letters, I knew your name

It's weird when I think about it. How much we look alike, but how different we really are. We have the same nose, the same ears, and the same eyes, our hair even falls the exact same way, yet somehow we turned out so completely different. We lived the same life and had similar experiences. I used to look up to her like I did no one else. I used to want to be her when I grew up. I even remember trying to go blonde to be more like her. (Needless to say that ended horribly...)

I really don't know what happened. I mean, I know our parents weren't the best. I know they never trusted us or let us have much of a social life. I know all the things they fucked up with. But I also know you, you're my sister. I was there for everything, and I saw it all. So how did I turn out like this, fucked up in my own way, but functional and fully capable? You on the other hand...What happened to you? Why is it that you are destined to fuck yourself over and up no matter what?

I really miss the sister I used to have. Or maybe I miss the idea of a sister I used to have. I don't really know anymore. I drive myself crazy thinking about it. I don't understand how someone can steal from their sister. I work for my things. You claim to have a job and make more than I do, so why is that you need to take my things, money and food from me? Sure, you have two kids, but it's not like you're using the money you take for them and we all know that.

I'm in such a confusing situation right now. In that, I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I feel like every experience is a learning experience. With that said, I find it very difficult to realize what it is I'm supposed to be learning from this.

It brings tears to my eyes to think about the conversation I had with your ex-husband. (Isn't it sad, you're 24 and already have an ex-husband?) Regardless, I ran into him the other day and he was telling me about the home videos he had been watching with your kids. He said he could look into your eyes and even on film he could see that you were truly happy. You were so free and at peace with your life and situation. He told me how he will always love you but can't deal with you because you aren't that girl anymore. You're just a hollow shell. And what I can't grasp is why you're so fully content running around with douchebags who just want to fuck you, and know you're easy? Why you think it's okay to smoke a bowl with your kids in the car? Why you do all these stupid fucking things to yourself and your kids and don't even think about it. And that's why I hate you. I will never let you let me down again. I deserve more than anything you've ever given me. And I'm not going to spend my days worrying about my older sister, where she is and if she's going to make it home okay.

Hey you, are me, not so pretty

As much as I am so happy, more than happy, honestly with the way that my life is right now I can't help but wish I were getting more out of it. I wish I could just push myself back into that girl who loved to draw and paint. I want to paint anything and everything right now. I want to photograph the beauty around me. I want to plant things and buy flowers. I want to read and learn and look at pretty things. I want to get away! I want to go to the beach and I want to see museums. I want to get my peircings. I always use time as an excuse. Although I know time is the most valuable commodity I can't help but put a good percentage of mine to waste. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I wish I put more into my creative pursuits. I need that outlet in my life to stay focused and feel fulfilled. And after a conversation with the most important person in my life, I realized that I deserve it. I owe it to myself and the people around me to get the most out of my time here.

living in your pre-war apartment, soon to be your post-war apartment.

It's back to school time already! And while I do dearly miss the anticipation of new teachers and learning new things I am so thankful that I'm not going to be wasting my days away in an un-airconditioned classroom at ccc listening to a crazy woman mispronounce the word "Pharoah". Instead I waste my days slicing bologna for women in power carts with cock-eyes and meth scabs.

Regardless of all that, life is constantly looking up each day. Depending on others and have them depend upon you is such a comforting feeling, really. I've made so many memories over the past couple of months it's been amazing.

and if my daddy thinks I'm fine...

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm listening to so much Amy Winehouse or what has me in this reflective mood, but...oh well here goes.

Well, you said I don't open up to people, so here goes. I don't open up to anyone and that's one of my greatest downfalls. With that said, it doesn't mean that I'm afraid of change or that I don't want to. I've been through a lot in my life, but nothing riveting enough to write a book or go on Oprah. You told me that everyone has self-esteem, it just gets diminished by people and life. Well, I can't recall, even as a child being confident in myself. All I can remember is being constantly teased for the haircut my mom gave me or the giant glasses that devoured my face at age eight. I remember being aware of my body from such a young age. I remember being 10 and comparing myself to all the other girls and remembering how fat and ugly and incomparable I felt in their presence. I'm sure that these behaviors spawned from my mother and sister constantly prodding at themselves and talking about diet pills and unpleasant features.

Moving forward, I vaguely remember middle school because I've successfully blocked that part of my life almost completely out. I just remember only being friends with obese to make myself feel prettier, skinnier, happier. I remember dropping out of honors classes because only the rich, preppy kids were in them and I knew I didn't fit in. I remember my 7th grade English teacher and how she definitely wasn't afraid to let me know this and how I never knew what hate was until I met her.

Once I got to highschool, though I changed. I was bitter and had been scorned one too many times. My second week into Freshman year I tried Somas for the first time. A few months later came a suspension for being caught with them. At this point I was shoplifting anything and everything I wanted, regardless as to whether I had the cash or not. I even had a friend at the gas station up the street from the school who would 'accidentally' leave cigarettes where I could get them. Despite my behavior, my parents never paid enough attention to notice until the suspension and then getting caught shoplifting. They were stupid, though. They always tried to stop me from going places because they thought I'd get drunk and sleep around. Little did they know I drank more under their roof than any other. And boys? Fuck, I was too embarrassed to look in a mirror, let alone let another human see me without clothes.

Life went on and my Sophomore year progressed along with my "bad relationship with food" as it was referred to by all who knew. Once the compliments came, they fueled me. I had never heard them before and I just knew that more people would like me if I were even skinnier! This lead to three years of life revolving around binging, purging, fasts, calories, measuring, scales and the like. When friends got concerned, I ditched them. My parents only comments were my mother telling me I was stupid and we couldn't afford to waste food in this house. Regardless, I dated some idiots, especially ones who didn't help with comments like "are you really going to eat that!?".

And here I stand (or sit...) today. I've seen a few things and lived a little bit, but not as much as most people. I don't really know that much about myself, but I do know a few things. I'm not bitter anymore because I realized life isn't fulfilling when you are. I believe in optimism because I spent too long being pessimistic. I know that I love hard and would move mountains for those I care about and I know that that can get me into trouble. But not as much as my bad timing and the fact that I tell it like it is. I know that I spent far too long caring what others thought about me and that spending my life trying to make other people happy will ultimately lead to my own demise. I know that my life is small and that I will not ever change the world and I am okay with that. What I'm not okay with is knowing that there is so much beauty out there in the world that I will never get to experience it. I know that I appreciate everyday and that everything happens for a reason.

And that's what I know, and that's what I should have told you that night. I'm sorry I don't know what to say at every moment and that I can't promise that I will.

Hold in your breath 'til you come back up in full

Have you ever found yourself just living your life and realized that it's more than what you could have dreamed it would be? Have you ever done, seen, and experienced things that you couldn't ( no matter how simple ) even fathom? If so, then you know what I'm talking about. Otherwise I really hope you get to. Life is grand when you just let go and let it happen. I love when things are like this. When something as simple as realizing how small you are next to a giant wind turbine is the most important thing in the world at that moment. Everything else is pushed aside, back and away for those moments when everything is about you and the person next to you. I love when the stale atmosphere of a hotel room is made to feel like home due to the chemistry of the people in it, and how I never wanted it to end.

Sometimes it scares me, the things I've seen and done and how precious they are to me. I used to carry my camera everywhere I went because I was afraid of someday, suddenly forgetting all I've seen and done and would at least have the photographs to remember. Sometimes I wish I was still so dependent on that lens, because i want to share the beauty I've seen with everyone. At the same time, though, I really just like to hold on to what I've seen, and keep it for myself and the people who've experienced these things right along with me. But I guess that's selfish.

I catch the rainfall through the leaking roof

It seems like so often lately that my thoughts are so scattered and ridiculous that I can hardly make sense of it myself. It's funny though, this crazy, random, scatter-brained thought process somehow found a way to seep into my Monday night and take control. I had the most ridiculous 12 hours of my life starting with getting a new piercing then venturing to a dive of a strip-club, complete with a pregnant dancer.

Ultimately, it was discovered that spending nearly 8 hours in a little Saturn can lead to a lot of interesting things. What I'm getting at is, life isn't fun unless you make it that way, spontaneous bar outings lead to good things if you let them ( and not so much if you let a drunk girl out of your sight for 'just enough time to smoke a bowl') and, finally, 'do you think that's a diet coke?'