I catch the rainfall through the leaking roof

It seems like so often lately that my thoughts are so scattered and ridiculous that I can hardly make sense of it myself. It's funny though, this crazy, random, scatter-brained thought process somehow found a way to seep into my Monday night and take control. I had the most ridiculous 12 hours of my life starting with getting a new piercing then venturing to a dive of a strip-club, complete with a pregnant dancer.

Ultimately, it was discovered that spending nearly 8 hours in a little Saturn can lead to a lot of interesting things. What I'm getting at is, life isn't fun unless you make it that way, spontaneous bar outings lead to good things if you let them ( and not so much if you let a drunk girl out of your sight for 'just enough time to smoke a bowl') and, finally, 'do you think that's a diet coke?'

cautions for you, gingerbread

I want to see everything. I want to stay in cheap hotels and go to corny State Fairs.

My books are in the mail. And I'm enjoying my surroundings as much as possible. I can't complain about too much. I read a fact that said "The average person laughs 15 times a day." Days like yesterday make me happy to be above average.

There are days when I can barely keep up, and days, like today where time drags around me.

We didn't do it for the money, I don't care why

I have such a craving for knowledge and human interaction lately. All I want to do is read a great book with someone and talk about it. I want to take pictures and share the beauty I see with everyone I meet.

love is drunk and love is blind

It's funny the way things work out. The way the world keeps turning no matter what's going on in your life. It's also strange how much dreams impact and mimic active life, for me at least. I spend nearly all my time either working or sleeping and I'm not necessarily complaining. I've been focusing on moving forward and keeping in the present, rather than living in the past.

I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about love and what it means and when it's gone. I've learned about friends and who I can depend on. I've learned about trust. I've learned what it feels like to give your all in every sense and I've learned what it feels like to not get anything back. And most importantly I've learned how to kiss ass.

I'm becoming more open. Open to those around me, about the opportunities in which they possess.

so let me down softly this time.

It's pleasant to be so wrapped up in my own little life, it really, truly is. My job is enjoyable, the people I've met there are so vastly different and interesting. Especially one woman who I would love to just keep in my pocket and carry around with me. She's such an amazing person with so much to offer. It's funny too, because I think that she has no idea how much I love to hear her talk about her past and present. She makes me think, causes me to check myself at times and is someone I just love to be around. I think she's what I wish I could be.

This morning I spent an hour and twenty minutes reading the local newspapers and tonight I tracked my spending while eating s'mores pudding. It's like I'm in this happy place in my life right now where I'm realizing that I am capable of adult responsibilites but at the same time I can still have fun and enjoy things. I hope I never outgrow that.

There is one part of me that I feel crawling back into the foreground stronger each day. I'm not sure what exactly triggered it or why, but I think I can approach this in a healthy way.

I'll be there as always feet submerged and probably frozen

Just one thing?
If I don't need a piece of paper to prove to myself that I am intelligent, then why do I need one to prove it to others?

I knew the words, but they didn't sink in.

It's weird that I was thinking about it today. I don't even know what sparked it in my mind- no wait I do. I was following a car like the one her parents drive up the hill this morning. It's interesting to think of the way that I impacted the lives so many people. Yes, I realize how completely conceited and ridiculous that sounds. I guess the entire situation just proves that I am not a decent human being. It's not just the way I always put myself down in an effort to be pleasantly surprised. It's just the truth. Some people are good and some people are not. I'm just one of the people who isn't. And don't get me wrong, I've tried to change, I'm always trying to improve upon myself. Anyway, I'm straying from my point. I'm not sorry for what I did. I mean I guess I really shouldn't have to be sorry. I had no idea how many layers there were in the whole situation. But that's not an excuse, really.

Five months ago I came into the picture, knocking it off the wall. I fucked up their happy little fucked up world even more. Not a day can go by without he or I thinking of her. Her possessions still litter the apartment they once shared. Her scent still lingers in that stale air. Her impression has been made on both of us in different ways.

Still, though. When I let my mind wander to these places I feel a sense of power. And that's how I know that I'm not a good person, I'm just not meant to be a kindhearted individual. Meanness and spite are just embedded so deeply into me that I don't think I can change it. It's just how I am and how I am meant to be, niceness from me is foreign, often forced, and sometimes faked. It's like how you can look at a little kid. When you look into the face of a child you're supposed to see softness and innocence. But sometimes you just don't. You can tell when a child is mean-spirited, it shows all over their face. Adults learn to hide their true selves. But children, children can't. They're honest no matter what, even if they don't mean to be.