I used to be free spirited, now I'm just free of sleep

I don't understand this. I never thought I would be the one who was turned on by and who had to turn on my family. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be the one he liked. But now, over a job, over a motherfucking job everything is different. He's the only person who doesn't think it's a good thing. I'm so angry I can feel it in my body. I am this close to just giving up and walking away.

I know life isn't fair and we can't always have things our way, but this is unfair and I can't back down. I would never forgive myself. I need this.

I just. I can't even form another sentence right now. I have the urge to purge like no one would believe right now.

Too many people have crumbled apart in my hand

If everything that I do is wrong, or doesn't make anyone happy then is it selfish of me to just give up and do what makes me happy? Apparently so. And the fact that I do care that I can't make everyone happy, what does that say about me? Why do I care?

My father always told me to do whatever made me happy in life, but even as a child I knew that what he really meant was "you can do whatever you want if it makes me happy, if it's something I can brag about to people at work and the neighbours." I always knew that it wasn't about what I wanted.

Especially after watching the way he was with my sister. She took cosmetology classes in high school because that's what she wanted to do, that's what made her happy. But that wasn't good enough for him. No one she ever dated was good enough either. And no one ever will be.

There is absolutely no way to make that man completely proud...unless you're my brother. Everything he touches is gold. Everything he does is right.

I don't want to care. But I do and I don't know why. I know for a fact that he will never be proud of me in whatever I do. He says I'm lazy, but then when I have an interview for a job he tells me I'm going to school and there is no way for me to work. I'm selfish if I want to work, but I'm lazy if I don't work. Everything is like this. Everything is a contradiction.

I know that there is no way to make everyone around me happy. I know that. I'm to the point where I just want to do what makes me and the people or person I consider important to me happy.

And my mother, she has no friends of her own or anyone to spend time with. Well, I'm not the one who let my marriage get so distance. That isn't my fault. I'm not the one who let money tear my relationship apart. And it isn't fair that I am made to feel guilty when I want to go somewhere with my friends. I shouldn't be treated like a piece of shit because I stayed out until 7pm with my sister.

Nothing can please her either. She just wants me to stay home forever, and it just pushes me further away.

I just don't understand.

Pray for the people inside your head, for they won't be there when you're dead.

Reading always makes me feel like writing. Reading about the lives of more interesting people makes me want to explore what could be potentially interesting about my life. Sometimes that's the case, but sometimes I have a connection with the words on a page, like those words could have come directly from me or directly from someone I know. That's the one thing I love the most about reading; when it feels like home between the covers. When something sounds so familiar that you have to remember that these words are too eloquently used to be yours. I love that, I really do. I wish all aspects of life could be as simple as a good book.

I started Girl, Interrupted today. I'm on page 92 and so far I'm liking the movie better as a whole. However, the book has these few, perfect moments where the words layed out in front of me sound more like my own than Susanna Kaysen's.

Other than that today was a decent day. I got called back for a job and have an interview monday, training tuesday and hopefully a job by the weekend. I'm in a weird place right now, between anxious and tired and I think I'll let the tired side take over. I don't want to spend my night to go to bed early worrying about people and silly things. I want the future now. No more waiting. I don't want to be caught up in tiny things, I want to have my love, a car, a job, and an apartment all now.

I wish I would have "borrowed" another book for Monday.

A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city the veins of which have broken me down

My goal is to remain positive. Despite the fact that I am watching myself fuck up. No place will call me back for a job and I'm barely hanging on in school. I'm willing to push away all people in my life aside from the one who means the most. Aside from this I am trying to be a positive person. Or maybe I'm not. I don't know, if I'm not then I want to be. I just want to fast-forward. Have a job, get a cozy little place and live. I realize it's not going to be perfect, it's going to be stressful, but I need this challenge to prove things to myself like that I can survive on my own. I just want a job! Even Wal*Mart doesn't call me back. My standards are quickly dropping towards fast food. At this point I hardly care. A paycheck is a paycheck.

I just want to be away from this city. I hate it here. I hate the people. I hate the buildings. I hate everything. I get angry everytime I think about it. I hate how familiar I am with everyone in this shithole. I can't go anywhere without seeing some that I went to high school with, someone who my sister got high with, one of my old friend's exes, one of my parent's co-workers, someone who can't believe how Allie's grandaughter has grown up, someone who did me wrong, someone who i have done wrong, someone who says "you're Sara, right?", someone who forgot about me but I remember calling me a cow in middle school. All of these people and so many more.

I just want to get away. I don't even want to go that far. It just seems that a town an hour away has so much more opportunity for me. I don't want to abandon this place forever. I want to come back someday and show my children all the hidden pleasantries that are here. But right now the only thing I have gained from this town is a bad attitude and a bitter taste in my mouth.

I've seen your face in every goddamn state

Today has been one of , if not the most up and down days of my life. What crazy circumstances to meet someone in, seriously. All in all though I think today was a good day. Not like a happy good day, but a good day in that things were talked about and addressed that needed to be brought up. My brain is recalling all of the days happenings and they're swirling around in there faster than my fingers can type them. I am so physically exhausted and yet there's so much I want to say. I'm so scared of how sure I am about some things, but at the same time I have to much to take in and contemplate.


If I have one thing I need to say though, it's thank you. Thank you for being there, you're the most important person in my whole life and I love you and need you like I will never love or need another person.

I hope I never figure out who broke your heart

I can't wait until we can get away. Get away and be free of all the drama that surrounds this town. Be free of the people who define themselves by what you once were.

what happened to this girl?

"i miss the friendship we used to have. i miss the days when you would come over late at night, and we would flush our cares away with trips to the only store in town. i miss all of the things we used to do together, all of the shit that shouldn't really matter now, but as far as i am concerned, it still does. i am sorry i pushed you away. i did it before you could get a chance to do it to me - well, anymore than you already had. i'm so sorry."