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I knew it would come. I knew that when I said I only had one person in the entire world that I could ever trust I was right. I wish the world weren't like this, I wish people could just be honest and open with the people they label 'friend'. I just feel like everything I do is wrong. I don't speak my mind and I hold everything in until I explode and that's bad, but if I say how someone or something makes me feel it's like I've done something wrong there as well. I want to forget everyone I don't need. Pack up, and pretend I never met them. Although I did make some needed amends tonight I feel the final threads of a past friendship tearing away. And I'm so 50-50 about it. Like, maybe I should go and try to stitch up things where I can, but at the same it's like friendships are burden to me right now. Other people have so much baggage that leads to so much unneeded outside stress. I just don't know what to do. I only truly know one person. Maybe that's all I need. Maybe that's what I want. But why?
I just don't know.
I think I'm going to start a flicker again, I miss taking pictures.
If I've learned anything in the past few days it's this: I don't care about people and I need not let those who are not vital to my existence get in the way of my happiness. I love my boyfriend and I need the other few people who are essential to me. I'm just going to forget every face that ever made me unhappy. I never met these people. I just want to move on and I don't know another way to make me able to grow as a person. And that's one of the only things I want right now; person growth.
Everything bothers me. I let every tiny little thing get under my skin and I don't know how to change that. It doesn't help that I can't stop eating.
I don't like this idea of a letter. I hope it's one of those things he talks about and just forgets about. I hope, I hope, I hope. My whole day was basically shit though. I dyed my hair Little Mermaid red and only two people noticed. My drawing teacher still refuses to look me in the eye or offer any suggestions when it comes to the portraiture. I feel like every pretty girl around me is competition. I'm fat and disgusting with bad skin. But when I voice my feelings of inadequacy I get laughed at and called over-dramatic. But I take that stuff so seriously. I can't help it. Struggling through an eating disorder for over three years will make your self image low. Of all people I expect him to get that. My old friends are refusing to be flexible to make plans. I feel like no one cares. Is it better or worse with no friends? I can't tell.
Apparently, I just handle every situation wrong. I let a group of people who don't matter bring me down and I can't fix that. I try to work on it and my only friend left makes me feel like I am immature and ridiculous. She's completely unfair and I can't trust her for a second. I thought I used to but I think I just wanted to convince myself that I had a girl I could lean on. But I don't. I never have. I let my sister's choice of my neighbour over me bother me to no end. It's unfair because I am her sister. I'm real and I'm there. But I guess I don't have a car so I'm not good enough. I don't get high so I'm not cool enough. I don't drink with people 7 years younger than me so I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. I couldn't even draw decently today. 2 hours and 40 minutes on one piece and it looks like straight shit. I mean what do I have when the one thing I am capable of, the one thing that isn't a person that makes me feel like I am important. The one thing that sometime convinces me I have talent falls through? I see everything around me crumbling and I'm too apathetic to do anything about it. And honestly that's really scary.
I think the only conclusion I have right now is that I have no fucking idea what's going on in the world around me.
I just want someone to agree with me on something. Not every conversation has to be a debate. Not everything that I say is so outlandish and abnormal that I am completely unrelatable.
It's times like these that make me think that maybe some kind of outside counselling would be beneficiary. But then I consider the lives of those around me and realize that I'm stupid and any problem that I have is ridiculous. But I can't help it. I know it might be ridiculous but sometimes I just feel like people expect so much of me. Even total strangers. I will never live up to anyone's expectations. Not even my own.
I don't get it. I just do not fucking get it. I DID NOTHING. I did motherfucking nothing to these people. Yet they seem to base their entire existence on making me feel uncomfortable. I just cannot wrap my mind why they cannot let things go. I came into a situation that I knew very little about initially. A relationship that wasn't quite so. And I get blamed for his being drawn to something new. I get blamed for her mental breakdown. I get blamed and I didn't even do anything. He gets blamed for branching out. His benefits to her are overlooked and only the bad is focused on. And this was October. We've moved on so why can't you? I don't get it. Are you trying to make us as miserable and lonely as the lot of you?
I just don't understand. The amount of shit that has been talked about every member of that group by every member of that group.
The girl who can't think for herself. The woman who acts like a girl and likes to pretend she knows everything about everything. The boy who is a child trying to impress a group of college students.
Why does the world have to be like this? It makes me feel like I am regressing. I got to where I didn't care about these people. But suddenly they have to bring me into their lives. Only when they know I' m alone. Only to try and fuck with me. And why me? I don't understand what either of us did to be treated like we are less than a person.
ZOMGGUYZ
imhipsternow!
I'm almost cool...
Anyway, aside from encounters with the hipster kind today was a more cheerful day. More cheerful meaning I didn't have to see any people who stress me out, I only had two classes, I got to chat with an old friend for a while which was nice and appreciatively not awkward.
I dropped sociology so now I'm a part-time student and...full-time fuck up...yay for me. I don't know though, I just have no ambition. I finally went to Drawing II and got to draw real models which was nice. Although, Dave wouldn't look me in the eye and it really hurt my feelings. A stern talking to would have been more appreciated, but what can I do?
Nothing. Past is past.
Even earlier today is gone. That last minute is gone. The time it took me to type this. The past seconds. Everyone slipping away and what am I doing with them? Wasting time. I will never get this moment of time back and how am I spending it? On my bed typing to a blog I write to no one taking hipster pictures of myself. Maybe I'm silly or maybe silly is a nice way to say fucking up the best years of my life.
It's not all bad though. I could be in a worse situation. I could be lonely, in a crowd of people who are fake. I could be pretending I am something I'm not to fit into a group. To impress whom?
Sigh, I'm just ranting again.
My point is I believe that as soon as I get a job and out of Corning I will be spending my time more wisely and making the most out of what I have. Love. And that's something people kill for, so I should be thankful.
It's just that sometimes when I feel thankful I don't know who to feel thankful at? I don't believe in any higher power so I feel cheesey or fake feeling thankful.
I know that sounds ridiculous. I should be thankful to him for walking into my life. And I am don't get me wrong. I don't know. I never know. I can never be 100% certain with myself about anything.
Sometimes I think everyone around me forgets that I am only 18. And it's like no matter what when there is any kind of a fuck up it's always mine. I can't even tell the people closest to me when I'm sad because then it makes everything worse. I mean even I forget that I'm so young to have so much on me at once. It's like when you don't see someone for a really long time and then when you do they look so old. I feel like that with myself. I haven't seen who I am in a long time, I kind of just grew into a new person and didn't notice until today. I saw myself for the first time in a few months.
Everyone seems to think it's so wrong when I do something stupid or immature. It's like no one remembers that I am young and it isn't like I ever promised to be mature. I never said I was a good person. I never even promised to be decent. I know I'm not.
Oh, and by the way: I hope you all die, every single one of you. I hate you so much for the way you make college feel like middle school and for all the shit you put him through.
I've had such pleasant dreams lately. So much so that I wish so hard that they were real when I wake up. It's not even like they're unattainable, I just keep dreaming of an apartment on a hill, constantly happy taking pictures and playing house.
