I'll be your stumbleine

But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

2009-10-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's crazy how time passes by this time of year. As soon as the leaves change it seems like they're making their decent. As much as I love the season I'm not necessarily complaining because I have so much to look forward to. I've become so busy it seems, but again I'm not complaining. I started a new job about a month ago and all is well thus far and in two weeks I'm moving!

My sister is still a fuck up, but her kid's father has custody of them now, thankfully. I decided to give up on her 100 percent. I don't want to see her, talk to her or anything. I'm sure it sounds childish, but the things that happened at my expense as a child tell me that I have every right to be this way. If all that isn't enough, her daughter, my five year old niece has said she saw "mommy put sugar in her nose". So needless to say these kids are in a much healthier environment living with their father, not out of a 2-door Saturn with their mother.

Speaking of this car, my boyfriend is increasingly more wonderful each day and I am beyond thrilled to wake up to that face everyday.

Despite all the good that's happening, sometimes I find myself in these odd moods. They never last long, usually only for an instant. Like right before I wrote this. It's like for one moment all the compassion I held back all these years just comes flooding out and I, only for the briefest moment lose control and cry. It's always for a reason, not just a random bout of crying. For example, I look at a photograph of a stranger's dead father and I lose it. I'm not even sure why. I don't think "that could be my father" I don't know what I think aside from sometimes I think I wouldn't cry at my own father's funeral. But that isn't the point. I'm not sure what the point is here, honestly. I wonder if maybe my wall is coming down around me, the wall I built up from age 7 or so to keep all people out, because no matter who they are, even if they are your sister, mother, father, best friend, lover they all can and will hurt you. I spent my whole life letting not one person in more than a tiny bit. Again, I'm straying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, after nineteen years, I think I'm learning how to feel. And it's wonderful.

I wrote your letters, I knew your name

2009-09-03T05:18:00.000-07:00

It's weird when I think about it. How much we look alike, but how different we really are. We have the same nose, the same ears, and the same eyes, our hair even falls the exact same way, yet somehow we turned out so completely different. We lived the same life and had similar experiences. I used to look up to her like I did no one else. I used to want to be her when I grew up. I even remember trying to go blonde to be more like her. (Needless to say that ended horribly...)

I really don't know what happened. I mean, I know our parents weren't the best. I know they never trusted us or let us have much of a social life. I know all the things they fucked up with. But I also know you, you're my sister. I was there for everything, and I saw it all. So how did I turn out like this, fucked up in my own way, but functional and fully capable? You on the other hand...What happened to you? Why is it that you are destined to fuck yourself over and up no matter what?

I really miss the sister I used to have. Or maybe I miss the idea of a sister I used to have. I don't really know anymore. I drive myself crazy thinking about it. I don't understand how someone can steal from their sister. I work for my things. You claim to have a job and make more than I do, so why is that you need to take my things, money and food from me? Sure, you have two kids, but it's not like you're using the money you take for them and we all know that.

I'm in such a confusing situation right now. In that, I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I feel like every experience is a learning experience. With that said, I find it very difficult to realize what it is I'm supposed to be learning from this.

It brings tears to my eyes to think about the conversation I had with your ex-husband. (Isn't it sad, you're 24 and already have an ex-husband?) Regardless, I ran into him the other day and he was telling me about the home videos he had been watching with your kids. He said he could look into your eyes and even on film he could see that you were truly happy. You were so free and at peace with your life and situation. He told me how he will always love you but can't deal with you because you aren't that girl anymore. You're just a hollow shell. And what I can't grasp is why you're so fully content running around with douchebags who just want to fuck you, and know you're easy? Why you think it's okay to smoke a bowl with your kids in the car? Why you do all these stupid fucking things to yourself and your kids and don't even think about it. And that's why I hate you. I will never let you let me down again. I deserve more than anything you've ever given me. And I'm not going to spend my days worrying about my older sister, where she is and if she's going to make it home okay.

Hey you, are me, not so pretty

2009-08-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

As much as I am so happy, more than happy, honestly with the way that my life is right now I can't help but wish I were getting more out of it. I wish I could just push myself back into that girl who loved to draw and paint. I want to paint anything and everything right now. I want to photograph the beauty around me. I want to plant things and buy flowers. I want to read and learn and look at pretty things. I want to get away! I want to go to the beach and I want to see museums. I want to get my peircings. I always use time as an excuse. Although I know time is the most valuable commodity I can't help but put a good percentage of mine to waste. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I wish I put more into my creative pursuits. I need that outlet in my life to stay focused and feel fulfilled. And after a conversation with the most important person in my life, I realized that I deserve it. I owe it to myself and the people around me to get the most out of my time here.

living in your pre-war apartment, soon to be your post-war apartment.

2009-08-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

It's back to school time already! And while I do dearly miss the anticipation of new teachers and learning new things I am so thankful that I'm not going to be wasting my days away in an un-airconditioned classroom at ccc listening to a crazy woman mispronounce the word "Pharoah". Instead I waste my days slicing bologna for women in power carts with cock-eyes and meth scabs.

Regardless of all that, life is constantly looking up each day. Depending on others and have them depend upon you is such a comforting feeling, really. I've made so many memories over the past couple of months it's been amazing.

and if my daddy thinks I'm fine...

2009-07-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm listening to so much Amy Winehouse or what has me in this reflective mood, but...oh well here goes.

Well, you said I don't open up to people, so here goes. I don't open up to anyone and that's one of my greatest downfalls. With that said, it doesn't mean that I'm afraid of change or that I don't want to. I've been through a lot in my life, but nothing riveting enough to write a book or go on Oprah. You told me that everyone has self-esteem, it just gets diminished by people and life. Well, I can't recall, even as a child being confident in myself. All I can remember is being constantly teased for the haircut my mom gave me or the giant glasses that devoured my face at age eight. I remember being aware of my body from such a young age. I remember being 10 and comparing myself to all the other girls and remembering how fat and ugly and incomparable I felt in their presence. I'm sure that these behaviors spawned from my mother and sister constantly prodding at themselves and talking about diet pills and unpleasant features.

Moving forward, I vaguely remember middle school because I've successfully blocked that part of my life almost completely out. I just remember only being friends with obese to make myself feel prettier, skinnier, happier. I remember dropping out of honors classes because only the rich, preppy kids were in them and I knew I didn't fit in. I remember my 7th grade English teacher and how she definitely wasn't afraid to let me know this and how I never knew what hate was until I met her.

Once I got to highschool, though I changed. I was bitter and had been scorned one too many times. My second week into Freshman year I tried Somas for the first time. A few months later came a suspension for being caught with them. At this point I was shoplifting anything and everything I wanted, regardless as to whether I had the cash or not. I even had a friend at the gas station up the street from the school who would 'accidentally' leave cigarettes where I could get them. Despite my behavior, my parents never paid enough attention to notice until the suspension and then getting caught shoplifting. They were stupid, though. They always tried to stop me from going places because they thought I'd get drunk and sleep around. Little did they know I drank more under their roof than any other. And boys? Fuck, I was too embarrassed to look in a mirror, let alone let another human see me without clothes.

Life went on and my Sophomore year progressed along with my "bad relationship with food" as it was referred to by all who knew. Once the compliments came, they fueled me. I had never heard them before and I just knew that more people would like me if I were even skinnier! This lead to three years of life revolving around binging, purging, fasts, calories, measuring, scales and the like. When friends got concerned, I ditched them. My parents only comments were my mother telling me I was stupid and we couldn't afford to waste food in this house. Regardless, I dated some idiots, especially ones who didn't help with comments like "are you really going to eat that!?".

And here I stand (or sit...) today. I've seen a few things and lived a little bit, but not as much as most people. I don't really know that much about myself, but I do know a few things. I'm not bitter anymore because I realized life isn't fulfilling when you are. I believe in optimism because I spent too long being pessimistic. I know that I love hard and would move mountains for those I care about and I know that that can get me into trouble. But not as much as my bad timing and the fact that I tell it like it is. I know that I spent far too long caring what others thought about me and that spending my life trying to make other people happy will ultimately lead to my own demise. I know that my life is small and that I will not ever change the world and I am okay with that. What I'm not okay with is knowing that there is so much beauty out there in the world that I will never get to experience it. I know that I appreciate everyday and that everything happens for a reason.

And that's what I know, and that's what I should have told you that night. I'm sorry I don't know what to say at every moment and that I can't promise that I will.

Hold in your breath 'til you come back up in full

2009-07-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself just living your life and realized that it's more than what you could have dreamed it would be? Have you ever done, seen, and experienced things that you couldn't ( no matter how simple ) even fathom? If so, then you know what I'm talking about. Otherwise I really hope you get to. Life is grand when you just let go and let it happen. I love when things are like this. When something as simple as realizing how small you are next to a giant wind turbine is the most important thing in the world at that moment. Everything else is pushed aside, back and away for those moments when everything is about you and the person next to you. I love when the stale atmosphere of a hotel room is made to feel like home due to the chemistry of the people in it, and how I never wanted it to end.

Sometimes it scares me, the things I've seen and done and how precious they are to me. I used to carry my camera everywhere I went because I was afraid of someday, suddenly forgetting all I've seen and done and would at least have the photographs to remember. Sometimes I wish I was still so dependent on that lens, because i want to share the beauty I've seen with everyone. At the same time, though, I really just like to hold on to what I've seen, and keep it for myself and the people who've experienced these things right along with me. But I guess that's selfish.

I catch the rainfall through the leaking roof

2009-06-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

It seems like so often lately that my thoughts are so scattered and ridiculous that I can hardly make sense of it myself. It's funny though, this crazy, random, scatter-brained thought process somehow found a way to seep into my Monday night and take control. I had the most ridiculous 12 hours of my life starting with getting a new piercing then venturing to a dive of a strip-club, complete with a pregnant dancer.

Ultimately, it was discovered that spending nearly 8 hours in a little Saturn can lead to a lot of interesting things. What I'm getting at is, life isn't fun unless you make it that way, spontaneous bar outings lead to good things if you let them ( and not so much if you let a drunk girl out of your sight for 'just enough time to smoke a bowl') and, finally, 'do you think that's a diet coke?'

cautions for you, gingerbread

2009-06-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

I want to see everything. I want to stay in cheap hotels and go to corny State Fairs.

My books are in the mail. And I'm enjoying my surroundings as much as possible. I can't complain about too much. I read a fact that said "The average person laughs 15 times a day." Days like yesterday make me happy to be above average.

There are days when I can barely keep up, and days, like today where time drags around me.

We didn't do it for the money, I don't care why

2009-06-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

I have such a craving for knowledge and human interaction lately. All I want to do is read a great book with someone and talk about it. I want to take pictures and share the beauty I see with everyone I meet.

love is drunk and love is blind

2009-06-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

It's funny the way things work out. The way the world keeps turning no matter what's going on in your life. It's also strange how much dreams impact and mimic active life, for me at least. I spend nearly all my time either working or sleeping and I'm not necessarily complaining. I've been focusing on moving forward and keeping in the present, rather than living in the past.

I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about love and what it means and when it's gone. I've learned about friends and who I can depend on. I've learned about trust. I've learned what it feels like to give your all in every sense and I've learned what it feels like to not get anything back. And most importantly I've learned how to kiss ass.

I'm becoming more open. Open to those around me, about the opportunities in which they possess.

so let me down softly this time.

2009-04-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's pleasant to be so wrapped up in my own little life, it really, truly is. My job is enjoyable, the people I've met there are so vastly different and interesting. Especially one woman who I would love to just keep in my pocket and carry around with me. She's such an amazing person with so much to offer. It's funny too, because I think that she has no idea how much I love to hear her talk about her past and present. She makes me think, causes me to check myself at times and is someone I just love to be around. I think she's what I wish I could be.

This morning I spent an hour and twenty minutes reading the local newspapers and tonight I tracked my spending while eating s'mores pudding. It's like I'm in this happy place in my life right now where I'm realizing that I am capable of adult responsibilites but at the same time I can still have fun and enjoy things. I hope I never outgrow that.

There is one part of me that I feel crawling back into the foreground stronger each day. I'm not sure what exactly triggered it or why, but I think I can approach this in a healthy way.

I'll be there as always feet submerged and probably frozen

2009-04-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

Just one thing?
If I don't need a piece of paper to prove to myself that I am intelligent, then why do I need one to prove it to others?

I knew the words, but they didn't sink in.

2009-03-12T04:58:00.000-07:00

It's weird that I was thinking about it today. I don't even know what sparked it in my mind- no wait I do. I was following a car like the one her parents drive up the hill this morning. It's interesting to think of the way that I impacted the lives so many people. Yes, I realize how completely conceited and ridiculous that sounds. I guess the entire situation just proves that I am not a decent human being. It's not just the way I always put myself down in an effort to be pleasantly surprised. It's just the truth. Some people are good and some people are not. I'm just one of the people who isn't. And don't get me wrong, I've tried to change, I'm always trying to improve upon myself. Anyway, I'm straying from my point. I'm not sorry for what I did. I mean I guess I really shouldn't have to be sorry. I had no idea how many layers there were in the whole situation. But that's not an excuse, really.

Five months ago I came into the picture, knocking it off the wall. I fucked up their happy little fucked up world even more. Not a day can go by without he or I thinking of her. Her possessions still litter the apartment they once shared. Her scent still lingers in that stale air. Her impression has been made on both of us in different ways.

Still, though. When I let my mind wander to these places I feel a sense of power. And that's how I know that I'm not a good person, I'm just not meant to be a kindhearted individual. Meanness and spite are just embedded so deeply into me that I don't think I can change it. It's just how I am and how I am meant to be, niceness from me is foreign, often forced, and sometimes faked. It's like how you can look at a little kid. When you look into the face of a child you're supposed to see softness and innocence. But sometimes you just don't. You can tell when a child is mean-spirited, it shows all over their face. Adults learn to hide their true selves. But children, children can't. They're honest no matter what, even if they don't mean to be.

Hide out from the ones you know will love you

2009-03-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

Despite the contradiction that is life, today was a better day. I made a successful use of my time today and I'm pleased with that.

I used to be free spirited, now I'm just free of sleep

2009-03-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

I don't understand this. I never thought I would be the one who was turned on by and who had to turn on my family. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be the one he liked. But now, over a job, over a motherfucking job everything is different. He's the only person who doesn't think it's a good thing. I'm so angry I can feel it in my body. I am this close to just giving up and walking away.

I know life isn't fair and we can't always have things our way, but this is unfair and I can't back down. I would never forgive myself. I need this.

I just. I can't even form another sentence right now. I have the urge to purge like no one would believe right now.

Too many people have crumbled apart in my hand

2009-03-03T09:53:00.000-08:00

If everything that I do is wrong, or doesn't make anyone happy then is it selfish of me to just give up and do what makes me happy? Apparently so. And the fact that I do care that I can't make everyone happy, what does that say about me? Why do I care?

My father always told me to do whatever made me happy in life, but even as a child I knew that what he really meant was "you can do whatever you want if it makes me happy, if it's something I can brag about to people at work and the neighbours." I always knew that it wasn't about what I wanted.

Especially after watching the way he was with my sister. She took cosmetology classes in high school because that's what she wanted to do, that's what made her happy. But that wasn't good enough for him. No one she ever dated was good enough either. And no one ever will be.

There is absolutely no way to make that man completely proud...unless you're my brother. Everything he touches is gold. Everything he does is right.

I don't want to care. But I do and I don't know why. I know for a fact that he will never be proud of me in whatever I do. He says I'm lazy, but then when I have an interview for a job he tells me I'm going to school and there is no way for me to work. I'm selfish if I want to work, but I'm lazy if I don't work. Everything is like this. Everything is a contradiction.

I know that there is no way to make everyone around me happy. I know that. I'm to the point where I just want to do what makes me and the people or person I consider important to me happy.

And my mother, she has no friends of her own or anyone to spend time with. Well, I'm not the one who let my marriage get so distance. That isn't my fault. I'm not the one who let money tear my relationship apart. And it isn't fair that I am made to feel guilty when I want to go somewhere with my friends. I shouldn't be treated like a piece of shit because I stayed out until 7pm with my sister.

Nothing can please her either. She just wants me to stay home forever, and it just pushes me further away.

I just don't understand.

Pray for the people inside your head, for they won't be there when you're dead.

2009-02-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

Reading always makes me feel like writing. Reading about the lives of more interesting people makes me want to explore what could be potentially interesting about my life. Sometimes that's the case, but sometimes I have a connection with the words on a page, like those words could have come directly from me or directly from someone I know. That's the one thing I love the most about reading; when it feels like home between the covers. When something sounds so familiar that you have to remember that these words are too eloquently used to be yours. I love that, I really do. I wish all aspects of life could be as simple as a good book.

I started Girl, Interrupted today. I'm on page 92 and so far I'm liking the movie better as a whole. However, the book has these few, perfect moments where the words layed out in front of me sound more like my own than Susanna Kaysen's.

Other than that today was a decent day. I got called back for a job and have an interview monday, training tuesday and hopefully a job by the weekend. I'm in a weird place right now, between anxious and tired and I think I'll let the tired side take over. I don't want to spend my night to go to bed early worrying about people and silly things. I want the future now. No more waiting. I don't want to be caught up in tiny things, I want to have my love, a car, a job, and an apartment all now.

I wish I would have "borrowed" another book for Monday.

A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city the veins of which have broken me down

2009-02-26T08:18:00.000-08:00

My goal is to remain positive. Despite the fact that I am watching myself fuck up. No place will call me back for a job and I'm barely hanging on in school. I'm willing to push away all people in my life aside from the one who means the most. Aside from this I am trying to be a positive person. Or maybe I'm not. I don't know, if I'm not then I want to be. I just want to fast-forward. Have a job, get a cozy little place and live. I realize it's not going to be perfect, it's going to be stressful, but I need this challenge to prove things to myself like that I can survive on my own. I just want a job! Even Wal*Mart doesn't call me back. My standards are quickly dropping towards fast food. At this point I hardly care. A paycheck is a paycheck.

I just want to be away from this city. I hate it here. I hate the people. I hate the buildings. I hate everything. I get angry everytime I think about it. I hate how familiar I am with everyone in this shithole. I can't go anywhere without seeing some that I went to high school with, someone who my sister got high with, one of my old friend's exes, one of my parent's co-workers, someone who can't believe how Allie's grandaughter has grown up, someone who did me wrong, someone who i have done wrong, someone who says "you're Sara, right?", someone who forgot about me but I remember calling me a cow in middle school. All of these people and so many more.

I just want to get away. I don't even want to go that far. It just seems that a town an hour away has so much more opportunity for me. I don't want to abandon this place forever. I want to come back someday and show my children all the hidden pleasantries that are here. But right now the only thing I have gained from this town is a bad attitude and a bitter taste in my mouth.

I've seen your face in every goddamn state

2009-02-24T18:16:00.000-08:00

Today has been one of , if not the most up and down days of my life. What crazy circumstances to meet someone in, seriously. All in all though I think today was a good day. Not like a happy good day, but a good day in that things were talked about and addressed that needed to be brought up. My brain is recalling all of the days happenings and they're swirling around in there faster than my fingers can type them. I am so physically exhausted and yet there's so much I want to say. I'm so scared of how sure I am about some things, but at the same time I have to much to take in and contemplate.

If I have one thing I need to say though, it's thank you. Thank you for being there, you're the most important person in my whole life and I love you and need you like I will never love or need another person.

I hope I never figure out who broke your heart

2009-02-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

I can't wait until we can get away. Get away and be free of all the drama that surrounds this town. Be free of the people who define themselves by what you once were.

what happened to this girl?

2009-02-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

"i miss the friendship we used to have. i miss the days when you would come over late at night, and we would flush our cares away with trips to the only store in town. i miss all of the things we used to do together, all of the shit that shouldn't really matter now, but as far as i am concerned, it still does. i am sorry i pushed you away. i did it before you could get a chance to do it to me - well, anymore than you already had. i'm so sorry."

Never once heard you say "I need you" I don't need you.

2009-02-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

I knew it would come. I knew that when I said I only had one person in the entire world that I could ever trust I was right. I wish the world weren't like this, I wish people could just be honest and open with the people they label 'friend'. I just feel like everything I do is wrong. I don't speak my mind and I hold everything in until I explode and that's bad, but if I say how someone or something makes me feel it's like I've done something wrong there as well. I want to forget everyone I don't need. Pack up, and pretend I never met them. Although I did make some needed amends tonight I feel the final threads of a past friendship tearing away. And I'm so 50-50 about it. Like, maybe I should go and try to stitch up things where I can, but at the same it's like friendships are burden to me right now. Other people have so much baggage that leads to so much unneeded outside stress. I just don't know what to do. I only truly know one person. Maybe that's all I need. Maybe that's what I want. But why?

I just don't know.
I think I'm going to start a flicker again, I miss taking pictures.

I cannot keep up, treading on people's toes

2009-02-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

If I've learned anything in the past few days it's this: I don't care about people and I need not let those who are not vital to my existence get in the way of my happiness. I love my boyfriend and I need the other few people who are essential to me. I'm just going to forget every face that ever made me unhappy. I never met these people. I just want to move on and I don't know another way to make me able to grow as a person. And that's one of the only things I want right now; person growth.

well if you think that im lying why would i give up trying ?

2009-02-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

Everything bothers me. I let every tiny little thing get under my skin and I don't know how to change that. It doesn't help that I can't stop eating.

I don't like this idea of a letter. I hope it's one of those things he talks about and just forgets about. I hope, I hope, I hope. My whole day was basically shit though. I dyed my hair Little Mermaid red and only two people noticed. My drawing teacher still refuses to look me in the eye or offer any suggestions when it comes to the portraiture. I feel like every pretty girl around me is competition. I'm fat and disgusting with bad skin. But when I voice my feelings of inadequacy I get laughed at and called over-dramatic. But I take that stuff so seriously. I can't help it. Struggling through an eating disorder for over three years will make your self image low. Of all people I expect him to get that. My old friends are refusing to be flexible to make plans. I feel like no one cares. Is it better or worse with no friends? I can't tell.

Apparently, I just handle every situation wrong. I let a group of people who don't matter bring me down and I can't fix that. I try to work on it and my only friend left makes me feel like I am immature and ridiculous. She's completely unfair and I can't trust her for a second. I thought I used to but I think I just wanted to convince myself that I had a girl I could lean on. But I don't. I never have. I let my sister's choice of my neighbour over me bother me to no end. It's unfair because I am her sister. I'm real and I'm there. But I guess I don't have a car so I'm not good enough. I don't get high so I'm not cool enough. I don't drink with people 7 years younger than me so I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. I couldn't even draw decently today. 2 hours and 40 minutes on one piece and it looks like straight shit. I mean what do I have when the one thing I am capable of, the one thing that isn't a person that makes me feel like I am important. The one thing that sometime convinces me I have talent falls through? I see everything around me crumbling and I'm too apathetic to do anything about it. And honestly that's really scary.

I think the only conclusion I have right now is that I have no fucking idea what's going on in the world around me.

I just want someone to agree with me on something. Not every conversation has to be a debate. Not everything that I say is so outlandish and abnormal that I am completely unrelatable.

It's times like these that make me think that maybe some kind of outside counselling would be beneficiary. But then I consider the lives of those around me and realize that I'm stupid and any problem that I have is ridiculous. But I can't help it. I know it might be ridiculous but sometimes I just feel like people expect so much of me. Even total strangers. I will never live up to anyone's expectations. Not even my own.

What a typically shit thing to do

2009-02-06T19:31:00.000-08:00

I don't get it. I just do not fucking get it. I DID NOTHING. I did motherfucking nothing to these people. Yet they seem to base their entire existence on making me feel uncomfortable. I just cannot wrap my mind why they cannot let things go. I came into a situation that I knew very little about initially. A relationship that wasn't quite so. And I get blamed for his being drawn to something new. I get blamed for her mental breakdown. I get blamed and I didn't even do anything. He gets blamed for branching out. His benefits to her are overlooked and only the bad is focused on. And this was October. We've moved on so why can't you? I don't get it. Are you trying to make us as miserable and lonely as the lot of you?

I just don't understand. The amount of shit that has been talked about every member of that group by every member of that group.

The girl who can't think for herself. The woman who acts like a girl and likes to pretend she knows everything about everything. The boy who is a child trying to impress a group of college students.

Why does the world have to be like this? It makes me feel like I am regressing. I got to where I didn't care about these people. But suddenly they have to bring me into their lives. Only when they know I' m alone. Only to try and fuck with me. And why me? I don't understand what either of us did to be treated like we are less than a person.

If the cold doesn't kill her money will

2009-02-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

ZOMGGUYZ
imhipsternow!

I'm almost cool...

Anyway, aside from encounters with the hipster kind today was a more cheerful day. More cheerful meaning I didn't have to see any people who stress me out, I only had two classes, I got to chat with an old friend for a while which was nice and appreciatively not awkward.
I dropped sociology so now I'm a part-time student and...full-time fuck up...yay for me. I don't know though, I just have no ambition. I finally went to Drawing II and got to draw real models which was nice. Although, Dave wouldn't look me in the eye and it really hurt my feelings. A stern talking to would have been more appreciated, but what can I do?
Nothing. Past is past.
Even earlier today is gone. That last minute is gone. The time it took me to type this. The past seconds. Everyone slipping away and what am I doing with them? Wasting time. I will never get this moment of time back and how am I spending it? On my bed typing to a blog I write to no one taking hipster pictures of myself. Maybe I'm silly or maybe silly is a nice way to say fucking up the best years of my life.
It's not all bad though. I could be in a worse situation. I could be lonely, in a crowd of people who are fake. I could be pretending I am something I'm not to fit into a group. To impress whom?
Sigh, I'm just ranting again.
My point is I believe that as soon as I get a job and out of Corning I will be spending my time more wisely and making the most out of what I have. Love. And that's something people kill for, so I should be thankful.
It's just that sometimes when I feel thankful I don't know who to feel thankful at? I don't believe in any higher power so I feel cheesey or fake feeling thankful.
I know that sounds ridiculous. I should be thankful to him for walking into my life. And I am don't get me wrong. I don't know. I never know. I can never be 100% certain with myself about anything.

I'm the first to admit that I'm still pretty young, and I never meant to hurt you.

2009-02-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think everyone around me forgets that I am only 18. And it's like no matter what when there is any kind of a fuck up it's always mine. I can't even tell the people closest to me when I'm sad because then it makes everything worse. I mean even I forget that I'm so young to have so much on me at once. It's like when you don't see someone for a really long time and then when you do they look so old. I feel like that with myself. I haven't seen who I am in a long time, I kind of just grew into a new person and didn't notice until today. I saw myself for the first time in a few months.

Everyone seems to think it's so wrong when I do something stupid or immature. It's like no one remembers that I am young and it isn't like I ever promised to be mature. I never said I was a good person. I never even promised to be decent. I know I'm not.

Oh, and by the way: I hope you all die, every single one of you. I hate you so much for the way you make college feel like middle school and for all the shit you put him through.

I'll pull your crooked teeth, you'll be perfect just like me.

2009-02-01T07:13:00.000-08:00

I've had such pleasant dreams lately. So much so that I wish so hard that they were real when I wake up. It's not even like they're unattainable, I just keep dreaming of an apartment on a hill, constantly happy taking pictures and playing house.

I thought romance was pretty...

2009-01-27T16:44:00.000-08:00

Where I am is a mystery to myself and those around me. Not physically but mentally, although I wish I were anywhere but here. Gone, lost but found at the same time. Found in love and happiness. I'm just so up or so down right now. And when I'm neutral I'm not because i'm anxious and confused. I'm worrying about everything.
It's like there's so much going on around me and I can't focus on one thing. I'm restless and barely awake.

I feel like life is escaping me. And I feel like every decision I make is the wrong one. I can never say or do the right thing.

Cause the same night I dream that I lose you I'll fall in love

2009-01-09T10:55:00.000-08:00

So, it turns out I'm not on academic probation and I don't have a limit on my course load this semester. I just want to get through this semester. Maybe I'll go back to college in a few years. I just want to focus on getting a job by...some point. I should set a goal date for that one. But once I do that I can save up to get some crap car, to get to a possibly better job? then I can save up to get my own apartment eventually.

Part of me is excited about school. The only class I'm worried about is black & white photography because I think that will be the hardest one for me. Hopefully the math class I'm taking won't be too bad. I'm not worried about Drawing II. I'm not worried about American History. I'm a little concerned with Sociology, but I took it in high school. So who knows.

Give me a reason to make me smile, 'cause I think I forgot how

2009-01-07T09:55:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamed that I found everything I ever lost. I had a dream I wasn't sleeping alone. I had a dream I packed up everything I owned. Three separate dreams. I wish they were reality. Or at least that I could keep dreaming until the 12th.

I received somewhat of a verbal bitch-slap this morning. One that if I had committed I would be scolded for. Oh, well. I'm hard to live with I guess. Actually, no. That's for certain. One of the few things I can be certain about these days. My apathetic approach to everything kind of hit me last night and I had a bit of breakdown. However, I buried my feelings away in mad libs (hahahah). Then the aforementioned bitch-slap and I kind of lost it again. I just don't see why I should be treated like that, all I'm doing is missing you? Whatever I guess. I don't really know what to do when I'm left out of contact and it's hard to keep myself entertained.

We can all be free, maybe not with words.

2009-01-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

Does pudding evaporate? Seriously. I had this cup of pudding sitting on my new Hello Kitty toaster (still in the box). One day last week while I was really sick, I accidentally knocked it over and it fell down the box. Admittedly, it was pretty disgusting; it looked like someone had "an accident" on the box. Anyway, I woke up this morning and most of the pudding isn't there anymore? I know that no one came in and cleaned it. I know that neither of the cats licked it up because they aren't allowed in the bedroom. I know I didn't clean it. So that only leads to one thing: the pudding evaporated...or dissolved or something. Needless to say I'm a bit concerned.

'Cause it's been ten days without you in my reach, and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

2009-01-05T19:16:00.001-08:00

try to keep warm. try to keep awake. try to keep happy. try to keep occupied.

tomorrow' s kind of an important day. well, at least it is to me. he might not have a clue, but that doesn't even make me sad. maybe if i didn't miss him so much it would, i don't know. i guess three months isn't that long anyway. only what? 90-ish days? i could spend so much time with him that 90 days doesn't seem like anything. so much has happened since october. i can't even remember the person that i used to be.

I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or personality

2009-01-04T16:26:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of break. I need something to occupy my time. I finished The Catcher in the Rye. I can't download any new music until 2:am. I have one person who's been talking to me all day.

Nothing thrills me anymore.

I'm not living, I'm just killing time

2009-01-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything interesting to complain about tonight. But I suppose it isn't fair of me to only come here when I need to cry about this or that. I started reading The Catcher in the Rye a little this evening and I'm on page 62 right now. I'm liking it I'm just trying to read it slow to try to digest it rather than just breezing through it. Despite what Caitlin says "dont read too much into it, its just some depressed 14 year old..." I don't know, though. Reading is a pretty healthy way for me to pass my time. It's nice to get lost in the life of someone else for a change.

I've been on this Tegan & Sara kick for a week. I don't know where it came from.

Other than that I've been considering the past and my former friends even more. I get aggravated when I see my former best friend of three years wearing my scarf. How can you even look at something of mine when I know the hateful things you say about me? I don't know. I really don't understand people. I guess that's something that bothers me, the fact that I can't control everyone.

I don't know though. I'm probably going to read more of this book while I'm still into it. I hope this is one I can finish.

Take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere

2009-01-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to think about a lot of things anymore. But on the other hand, with the other half of my life everything seems perfectly in order. Perfectly in place; perfectly perfect. The other side though, the side I've been considering greatly since we hung out Wednesday afternoon. I don't understand when my friends became the girls they were that day. The easy going happy go lucky girl with a bit of a wild streak is suddenly dull and grey, easily angered not amused. The one I was closest to seems to be pushing at me to let go of a friendship that's hanging on by threads as we speak. The nerdy little one I could always count on is so grown-up. I don't understand how I've missed so much in three months? I know I have changed it's true but I know the way I have changed is definitely for the better.

Who are my friends anymore? I have my boyfriend and I have one other person. Those are the only people who I really know. Those are the only people who I can talk to seriously anymore. I just don't know what to do or how to act. It's such an unsettling feeling knowing that I don't know hardly anyone anymore.

Oh, I've made love, yeah, I've been fucked, so what?

2008-12-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

whineyblogtime?
Yeah, I think so.

Listening to showtunes and feeling sorry for myself. I let the tiniest things make me upset. I know it, but I can't help it, I'm aware of it and I don't know how to change it. I bought a Hello Kitty toaster yesterday or was it today? I have no sense of time when I'm not going to school. I also bought a new sweater dress maybe for New Years if I actually leave the house. Everytime I'm left to my own device I just feel like I'm the brink of breaking down. And for what? I don't even know. I have nothing to be sad about. Nothing important at least. I got mad at myself earlier and pulled out a chunk of my own hair. My scalp is bleeding. I really hate the word 'scalp'.

I'm waiting up until 2AM because that's when my download speed is optimal. I could have slept and just woken up early and used it from 6-7AM but that would make sense.

Oh and I, I say damn your mood swings

2008-12-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to really scare myself the way that I've been thinking lately. I know it's unhealthy, I watch myself blame it on this or on that. I'm scared. I've done so well.I have no idea how to think clearly anymore.

I think, I could last at least a week without someone to hold me

2008-12-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

Things are pretty much exactly the same no matter how different they feel. I'm just repeating my negative behaviors and all but eliminating the positive ones. But what can I do when the person I love the most makes me often feel that anything I feel is insignificant or over-dramatic?

Everyone is disappointed the more they know someone.

2008-12-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

Life as of late has felt so hectic, but in reality it's quite slow-paced. Or maybe I am perceiving things backwards from 'reality' or actuality. Who knows? I'm not attending classes all week. I spent a minimal part of my evening emailing professors and shockingly not laying on excuses. I wish I could blame my lackadaisical approach to everything on something, like the Jets moving down in place (egad at my knowledge of that). I don't know though. I want to go to school next semester, but it's hard to remain motivated when I know that this will be my last semester and that my going to college got me nowhere.

But that's untrue, going to college helped me learn maturity and how to use it. Not necessarily the act of going to college, but the people that I met, more specifically the person that I met really taught me a lot.

I keep losing my train of thought. I can't pay attention to anything. I have anxiety for no reason, it keeps me on edge. I've had to take sleeping pills to put my mind at ease and be able to get any sleep at all.

Why am I so much taller than the other females in my family? How do professional athletes make so much money? Do you get paid to go on Springer? How did I spend 100 dollars in a week? I wish I had self control. It's so hot in here. How can last.fm only pay .0005 cents per play? I washed this tank top so many times, how can it still smell like the slutty girl I nabbed it from? I hate Christmas. I want MySpace to stop asking me if I am 18 & overweight. I feel like a married woman, I don't look pretty anymore. I wish my mind could feel as tired as my body does. I need shampoo. I wish I had the drive to hang out with my friends. I wish I had drive period. I love when someone mentions something and you instantly think of someone. I hate when someone mentions something and you instantly think of someone. I have a toothache.

And I feel pretty, pretty enough for you.

2008-12-07T06:06:00.000-08:00

As long as I'm conscious I'm preoccupied with the thought that I am forgetting something or that there is something that I need to do. I feel like a mother who forgot she had a child. I just hope I don't put my baby in the microwave like that lady on Dr. Phil.

My body hurts and I feel fatigued constantly. I can't bring myself to attend my favorite class and I haven't cleaned in over a week. I wake up tired and drag myself along wherever I go. I've broken down for no apparent reason several times in the last week. I can't keep track of the day or time; it's like the world is going on without me and no one even notices.

I took the time last night to pay attention to a lot of the things that I do and I mean being aware of them is good and everything but it doesn't help me that much because I don't know what to do to try to change them. I guess my only conclusion last night was that I need to talk about them. I don't know though.

I don't know because I don't know what I know and what I don't know. I don't know what to do about anything. I feel like talking about what's going on with me will be a burden for him or that it's just simple and silly and stupid. I don't know...

You are the only road I know

2008-11-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

I accidentally flashed a nun today.
And that was the highlight of my Black Friday.

And of course Henry the horse dances the waltz!

2008-11-26T17:54:00.000-08:00

I think my week of being a recluse has left me worse off in my social ineptitude. I feel like everytime I try to have a conversation I just freeze.

I made no grand use of my time today, as expected.

But on this stage I've learned to fly, learned to sing and learned to cry

2008-11-25T19:27:00.000-08:00

Currently, I am on a random (or possibly paint thinner induced) high. I spent the majority of my day sedentary watching court shows and other equally trashy daytime television. My step toward being a better person for today was that I learned that I really need to make a better use of my time. Two days are already gone out of this break and I've successfully accomplished nothing. Tomorrow I'll be home alone which may lead to less inhibitions toward drawing something decent or even just cleaning around the house.

I spent nearly 45 minutes searching all over my house in a failed attempt to find some Polaroids I had taken last summer. I checked all the stupid places I hide things from myself and no luck. I can't even remember what they were of, all of them. I know some were stupid, close-up shots of flowers and I know I had one of Strawberry Fields, but I can't remember anything else. Probably some horrible shots of myself wearing a number of ridiculous twee sweaters. I guess it doesn't matter, really. I want film is my point.

I just found myself clicking around on the blogs of other people out of boredom. I never knew that being knock kneed, having a milky white complexion and advanced levels of social awkwardness made you cool... Crazy if all this time I was amazingly hip, why did I always get shit in high school for being a freak? Who knows, who knows.

I think I'm going to take advantage of the energy I'm still experiencing and get to cleaning this shithole I've barely ventured out of for about 72 hours.

afraid my heart, it beats too slow or that I died and just didn't know

2008-11-24T07:56:00.001-08:00

It's only Monday and I'm already ready for break to be over. I could care less about Thanksgiving and everyone I know is off somewhere else with their families. So I'm stuck at home in my pajamas crying over episodes of the Tyra Banks show while eating cookie dough. Now I'm listening to Jason Mraz ( I know right? ) figuring it isn't neccessary for me to shower when my human contact level for the day is very minimal. I'll spend my whole day waiting for a phone call that won't come until the late evening and will probably last all of five minutes. There is so much that I need to accomplish over break and I know that most of it won't happen. I even made myself a to do list last night that I probably won't even look at until next Sunday night thinking "oh shit ". Shrug, oh well.

put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play

2008-11-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

I can't get enough sappy, acoustic or piano music lately. It probably just goes with the fact that almost anything and everything seems to be overtly stimulating and overwhelming. In addition to that I've gotten into Bright Eyes a lot lately which is weird because I used to despise Conor Oberst. On a related note, I've almost got all of my old music onto my new laptop which makes me very happy. After like three weeks I realized how easy it was for me to access the files on my network.

Today was a very lazy day, but a decent day indeed. I can't get enough snuggling and napping and not being outside.

It's really a lot less stressful not being on the campus and not seeing people that I have no desire to see, but at the same time it's like what I was writing about in my actual journal. We aren't the ones who chose sides, we are't the ones who decided not to be friends, we were the ones who were pushed aside. So why should we have to be the ones that change our daily routines and play the avoidant card. We shouldn't have to, they are the ones who don't want to see us, they should be the ones who have to find a new place to be. We shouldn't have to be the ones who are inconvenienced. But it can't be like that. And I know it. Somethings just never go down the way that they should.

Why don't I begin again with turpentine and patches?

2008-11-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

I took that SimilarMinds personality test for the first time in a while. Some things have improved like Vanity and Narcissism, other things haven't changed...

These were some of the ones I scored highest in:
I italicized the strongest points

Histrionic:
strong need for applause, gets angry and frustrated if they don't get what they want, likes to be popular, believes winning is no fun unless people know you won, desires more attention, competes for the spotlight, grew up feeling they had to stand out to be happy, gets attention through negative behavior, self absorbed, frequently feels envious, likes to manipulate others, superficial, tends to become involved with people quickly, feels best when admired, wants things done their way, used to getting their way, uses their looks to get what they want, quick tempered, impulsive, vain, loves to win awards, performer, entertainer, pleasure seeking, swayed by emotions, prefers instant gratification, self promoting, believes in success through appearances, wealth seeking

Paranoia:
suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, more doubt than belief, preoccuppied with death and suffering, fears being harmed or controlled, bitter, looks for hidden meaning in things, personality is centered around low self esteem issues, feels misunderstood, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, defensive, often experiences disgust, love-hate relationships with most things, likes to test people's loyalty, thinks life is overrated, focuses on suffering, feels like an outsider, existentially depressed, does not trust what people say, prone to shame, suffers from depression, knows the dark side of life very well, attracted to things associated with sadness, would rather remain alone than risk rejection, hard to get to know, makes enemies, loner

Avoidant:
loner, limits social interaction because it's draining, does not express emotions easily, shy, does not like most people, does not think most people like them, nothing really pleases them, prefers to dress down (hide attractiveness), considered weird by others, values personal privacy above personal relationships, feels dejected and better off alone, neglects self, has low self esteem issues, can't find meaning in life, seeks wholeness through isolation, hard to get to know, emotionally numb, even in a relationship they desire a sense of seperateness, thinks life is overrated, would rather be alone then risk rejection, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, feels like an outsider, afraid to show it when they like some one, aversion to physical contact, somewhat asexual, prone to shame, existentially depressed, prone to focus on suffering, bitter, does not like happy people, poor self image, anhedonic

As well as Dependency, Peter Pan Syndrome, and Need to Dominate.

Aside from this today proved to be a day of high highs and low lows; everything ended on a fairly positive note, however. Days like today are nice though, because I love the idea of laying around talking honestly, comfortably and truthfully. I love when you're talking to someone so honestly and real that it's almost painful. I love being on the receiving end as well. I love trusting and being trusted. I suppose that's silly, though because who doesn't enjoy that?

Needs and love and happiness and failure, people and perception the future and the things that happen, good friends and bad people, understanding and ignorance. There's a part of me that wishes everyday could be like this.

So please forgive what I have done no, you can't stay mad at the setting sun

2008-11-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

Cold days like today are nice. When it's shockingly cold, but at the exact same time entirely tolerable and almost nice. At least until the snow broke through.

All the thinking that I did last night definitely had a direct effect on my mood and demeanor this morning. In Psychology we took a test which we didn't know until after completing it that it was testing our internal/external locust of control. It was so cool to see how the realizations I made last night were actually being displayed by me. I scored out of the class the 'lowest' or that I believed in fate, chance, etc. We did a lot of talking about personality tests today which led Dr. Borden to make the statement "mittens make me salivate" Just when I start to think that I dislike that man, we have a class like today. I wish that class were like that all semester. Or maybe it was and today was just the first day I let myself take in everything.

Riding the bus by myself wasn't as bad as I had worked myself up into think that it would be even if that bus driver lady is so mean and super-scary.

I guess my point is that I pretty enjoyable day today especially considering all the things that could have gone wrong.

I know there aren't too many people who allow themselves to say what they feel

2008-11-16T15:56:00.000-08:00

Finally, I overcame that migraine that had been nagging at me for a couple of days. I finally got rid of it last night/early this morning when I came into one of those bursts of creative energy I was talking about the other day. I spent fourty-five minutes trying to draw myself in a dimly lit room, with no glasses and it proved to be not a waste of time, but a learning experience- I can't draw if I can't see...miraculous thoughts I have...

Either way, I then went on to write and I spent a good two or three hours just writing, just letting whatever ran into my head channel down my arm, my hand, my pen, my paper. I can never express how great it feels to be able to for once, be completely honest with myself and not have to be afraid of my own thoughts.

Currently, I'm easily distracted sitting around in my bedroom. I have my lamps set up trying to speed up the drying time of my oil painting I've been working on for the past week. We had to create some kind of narrative piece and I used Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel No. 2 as my story. The painting is shit. So much is off on it and it screams incomplete. It's about 10 hours of work and no one would know it to look at it. I needed just one more day to get my details in after the layer that's on now dries. One more day and the face wouldn't look like something shat across my canvas. Oh well, boo for lack of time management skills.

It's funny how I've found myself repeating the same things so much. The same motions, emotions and behaviors. I think of a silly little song that makes me happy and realize how many of those there have been in the past month or so and all the other silly little things that make me smile. I realize that I like being happy at the risk of being annoyingly repetitive. I am the person that I would have been disgusted by (in more that one way) such a short time ago and I don't see that changing. I'm not complaining either.

Just like I said before, the only thing I have to complain about lately is the fact that I suck super bad at school. Boo at college. I'm glad in a way that Mandy fucked me over on my application to Purchase, because I would hate to be sucking at school, away from home, with no one I love around me. It's scary how I've been thinking of the whole 'everything happens for a reason' idea lately. Like I think of all the shitty things that may have happened or the shitty people that fucked me over, but then I realize that if one little thing would have been even slightly different things wouldn't be like they are now. It's scary, but it feels like the truth, that everything that has piled up, just needed to get sorted through to get to the thing I really wanted, I really needed in the end. So I guess I should take the time to write thank you's to all those people that fucked me over.

And now Miley Cyrus comes up on shuffle... Ah life...

Don't you get worried, please don't at all, don't you take pity it's my own fault

2008-11-15T15:40:00.000-08:00

This morning was one of those early mornings I was talking about the other day. When I'm completely honest and whatnot. The only difference was that this was a time where I was bluntly honest, but with someone else. I think I might have crossed a figurative line. It just isn't a situation that I am comfortable with and never could be. I just don't know why, aside from the whole "you shouldn't date a friend's ex" thing. It's just like when people ask me why it was so bad I guess I usually just can't think of a good enough reason to justify the things I say. I don't know what made the whole thing so depressing. Was it the fact that he didn't know how to show affection, or that he didn't know who he even was, or the fact that we didn't have common ground, the fact that he shot down all my interests, how bad he made me feel about my appearance, or that we couldn't even carry a conversation, it was like he wouldn't allow me to care for him. I mean sure there was a lot of things that happened that were my fault and I only stayed with him for stupid reasons. But I suppose good came out of it in a few ways. I was sad, sure, but only a few days later I felt so great, such a heavy load was lifted off of my chest. And now the relationship I'm in now is part way into it's second month, but it feels like so much longer, and definitely in a good way. I feel like I've known Dennis for so long. Things are just so comfortable and happy and amazing.

But I guess I'm still dwelling on the past in the fact that I really would be so hurt if Caitlin pursued anything with Nate. I guess I just never got the satisfaction of how I imagined the breakup to go. Like I imagined my female friends at least, would bond with me and engage in the typical ex-boyfriend bashing. But I never got to have that. The people who I considered my best friends were either out of touch or dating the best friend of my ex. But now that their relationship has ran it's course too, I'm still not getting that satisfaction that I wanted. And that is me just being childish and I know that, oh do I know that. But I can't help it. I guess it was just part of the closure that I didn't get that I still want.

Oh well, there really is nothing that I can do. I can't tell her who she can and cannot see. It's just not something I can control. But I really will have to 'sever the tie' so to speak if anything happens there. And I realize that is drastic, but I can't deal with the constant fear of someone I consider to be a best-friend to be dating my ex, like that just cannot end well. And it all falls back on my being selfish and that I'd be paranoid about what they'd be thinking about me especially considering the group of people they've been hanging around with and the fact that my decisions have led me to be exiled from them.

Like I said, I guess there isn't anything I can really do. I like where my own life is headed right now and I just shouldn't worry about the decisions of most people. For now I'll just try to get over this splitting migraine and just try to focus on those people who I know really do care about me.

If the sun can radiate then so can I

2008-11-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

Throbbing headache = the inability to function like an actual human being for the last 30 some hours. Stupid things have flustered and frustrated me more than usual all day. I need to not let silly things get me down, but it's hard. Sometimes I just put too much effort into things that do not matter and let myself get stressed out over little things. I need to practice what I've been preaching for the past month or so.

And I was frightened by my fearlessness to be engulfed by everything.

2008-11-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

Life seems like it's floating by so fast lately. And not really in a negative way, either. I remember not to long ago when things were going by before I knew what was going on. What a wholly unpleasant time period. While I am definitely lagging in school it feels so great now to be with someone so...great.

We'll get nowhere if we've forgotten where we've been

2008-11-11T13:13:00.000-08:00

Today proved to be another comfortable day, aside from the still surprisingly chilly weather. Not bumming around the campus does prove to be quite refreshing. I like spending time with people I like doing mindless tasks and running about. I like enriching myself in non-enriching things if that makes sense. Basically I like keeping busy with silly little things. I guess that's basically what I was rabble-rabble-rabbling about last night.

I have all sorts of assignments due for all sorts of classes (English, Drawing, Psychology) and a lack of ambition that seems to get stronger as the days go on. People keep talking about my second year of college and it stings everytime they do. I've made the decision to most likely not continue on with the whole college thing after next semester. I guess that's a direct result of the lack of ambition.

Aside from the complete lack of drive I can't find much to complain about, which is quite remarkable for me. High five for being a happy camper.

Cross-posted.

2008-11-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

Like the title suggests, this is cross posted on a shared blog.

Today started out as one of "those days" that average, everyday people bitch and moan about. Slightly stressful, but in reality quite mundane. Which honestly, was only due to the fact that I am so easily stressted/angered/frustrated/etc by little meaningless things. This morning was one of running late, noticing the snow and having no warm clothes readily available, being nagged, getting pissed beyond belief at the Advising and Counseling Center for putting a hold on my account which prevented me from registering for classes. The hold on my account was what truly set me off and caused me to have an unpleasant morning/early afternoon. Thanks to my lovely sister and her assertiveness that issue has been taken care of.

Thankfully, the body of my day was spent running here and there with two great people who seem to get along quite well, which is so perfect. Especially considering the uncanny way that my sister can find herself hating the people I surround myself with. We ran around looking for shoes, visiting multiple wal*marts (getting 'free samples'), being crowded in a backseat, and other silly happenings. All-in-all it was a simple day, but so enjoyable.

Currently, I'm finding myself not tired enough for the hour that it is and feeling simply very self-aware. Which cannot ever be a good thing for me. It's one of those nights that a few years ago staring out my window watching the night brighten into day. I was always comfortable with my own thoughts at these hours. Watching the pink sky reflect back on the pond, like I would on myself, but in a remarkably comfortable way. I used to love the shockingly cold air, even piercing at times. I wonder sometimes if I really am happy right now or if I am just in a period of repression. Just blocking out the things that bother me and not letting myself think those thoughts that made me hate myself so much. But then in the same breath I know that I am happy. If this isn't happiness then I truly don't know what happiness is and I like to think that I don't suck at life that much.

I also remember a time when this hour led to some of the most beautiful thoughts and creative bursts. I haven't had one of those in so long. Maybe that's because going to college has exposed me to some really great artists which has brought me into a slight creative rut, comparing myself to others. I miss having the art teacher who was part counselor, telling me constantly to keep my chin up and to only judge myself against myself, who is the toughest critic anyway. I miss my artistic ignorance from highschool. I miss thinking I was in the top of some of my classes and showing off my works without a second thought. Not that it didn't take me long to get to that point, but I do miss it. I guess I'm just missing a confidence thing, which wasn't even brought on by myself, it was the fact that I fed off the comments of others to keep me going (even with things outside the art realm).

I don't have people constantly telling me that I am doing the correct thing, but I have something better. I have someone who truly cares for me. Moreso than I probably realizes. And beyond that I care for him more than he can probably imagine. It feels so great to have someone I can tell things to and feel comfortable just spending time with. I can't stop listening to silly love songs and I'm not complaining.

I suppose that this hour has proven to be one of reflection and I pretty positive one I suppose. I love the sound sleep that comes after a good conversation, a creative splurge or getting a slight release from allowing my mind to wander without worry and realizing that I don't have to be afraid of my own thoughts anymore. I really wish I could get back into the habit of writing daily.